A recent comment on the blog site caused me to realize something was missing on the blog. The comment agreed with my writing about the lack of social rituals to bring comfort and support surrounding a divorce. Without those societal rituals and practices, we are left to find our own individual way through a difficult time. I walked out of the attorney’s office and thought “Now what do I do?” The blog comment made me consider what resources did I use to make it through that dark time? Taking inventory I realized there were several I was blessed to locate and utilize. I listened and listened again to the videos. I read and reread many the books. I researched some other writings and teachings from the authors and speakers I was drawn to. It may not have been specifically for divorce, but many of the teachings were applicable to my grief and hurt. Where else dose one look for these things? Yes, I began with internet searches.
My first inclination was to find a divorce support group. It made sense to meet and talk with others in similar situations. I reside in a bedroom community of a larger city. I wanted to find a church based support group. I began looking on line and at several local churches’ websites. I was about to be surprised. I found two church based divorce support groups for nearly 700,000 people. TWO! One met during the day which made it impossible for me to attend while working. The other had a definite beginning and end date and followed a specific program. It cycled through the church calendar two to three times a year. It would not be available again for several months as it was mid cycle when I learned of it. Someone had recommended I could attend a hospice support group for grief, but that did not seem to be quite what I was looking for. Death and divorce are quite different. (I have nothing against hospice. Working in the medical community I fully support hospice and the work that they do.) Other non-church-based divorce groups were also quite scarce. The couple of meetings I found appeared to be more of a fresh meat market—A.K.A. Tinder in person. I needed a place to learn to heal, not to make a huge mistake. I quickly realized divorce support groups were not going to be possible for me. I encourage you to look for what is available for you in your area. If that is what you need, I pray you find a different situation than I did.
I chose to find a personal counselor. I have already spent quite a bit of time writing about the way counseling helped me. I am a great advocate for sound Christian counseling. As huge a boon as it was for me it was not a stand alone healing source. A weekly one hour counseling session was not going to heal me. Even multiple sessions a month would not provide sufficient work to complete this healing. Yes, I said work. It is work to tear out old and repair or even replace with new. Dressing changes take supplies and effort. I realized early that I needed to put in both if I was going to fully recover. The work in the counseling sessions was very good, but the work outside the counseling sessions I believe is what brought the most change. I had to spend time considering, managing, and dealing with all of those hurts wounds and emotions we discussed during the session. I needed supplies to complete these dressing changes. I needed some skills I did not really have. I researched, asked others, and found some wonderful supplies and tools. Some of the tools that I used we’re books written by those who had walked a similar path before. A few were conversations with friends and loved ones who had been where I was. Some were EMDR sessions with a certified therapist. Others were videos available through church ministries and even YouTube. Below is a list of some of my favorite tools.
Of all the tools I used, I am certain prayer and discussions with God were the most effective in my healing. I had to go see that perfect judge several times to pour out my heart cases one by one. Sometimes I would run in there to bring an additional charge to previous leveled charges. Each time I was allowed to be as dramatically loud or whisper quiet as I needed to be. Each time He heard me. Each time He permitted me to empty my hurts. Each time He was so patient and kind. Each time He let me know how very much He loved me. I also had to work so hard to leave everything there when I left the judge’s court room. It was after these times He would speak. A certain song on the radio, a Christian meme on a social media posting, a scripture during devotionals, a still small voice directing me to know He heard and was answering. The quiet reassurance that He had me and I needed to rest in Him.
Even when some one is recuperating there is a process going on. Aware of it or not there is work being done. Let me say it was WORK. Some of it was exhausting work I was fully engaged in. There were times I did not want to do the work. I was so tired of crying. I was so tired of dealing with all of the hurts and wounds. I was so tired of not feeling like I was moving forward. I was so tired of not feeling whole. I was so tired of this consuming my life. Some times I just sat down. I could take no more. Netflix became a great comfort and escape during those times. A weekend trip with my family and/or friends to get away was a relief. I needed time away to rest and refocus. Whether I was aware of it or not, there was work being done at those times too. After resting I would I knew I had to get back up again. I had to complete the healing work process to prevent the bitterness and anger from taking me over. Sometimes it was so difficult. It would have been so easy to just give in to the sluggishness. Some days it still can be. Some days I had to just take a deep breath, pray, and push on. It was truly a “no pain, no gain” situation.
During the process, I would become so frustrated and impatient. I would develop a case of the “shoulds” I should have known. I should be “better now.” I should not have to still be dealing with this memory, response, or emotion again. I should…I should…I should. Each I should was a striking blow to my self. I would beat myself up so needlessly. I would become my own worst enemy. There is no ‘should’ in recovery. There is only ‘here is where I am and here is what is before me’. Sometimes the picture we see is pretty ugly. Sometimes it is the same picture we have seen several times before. Sometimes the picture is distorted and needs refocused that need. Sometimes the picture is so jumbled it appears it never be sorted. It takes the time. It takes time to process and deal with the wounds. There are no short cuts. We have all heard the joke about the person who finishes all the steps of a 12 steps of a program in a week. If it were only that easy we would not live a world full of hurt, damaged people. In truth, the work takes time. How long? It takes as long as it takes.
Surgical wounds take maybe six weeks to heal in nice linear scars if everything goes perfectly. Complications may arise that require more time. There can be post surgical fluid formations that impede healing. These require a reopening of the incision and draining. Infections can set in causing red, painful areas that require antibiotics. The body goes into fight mode and healing is delayed until the infection is gone. The person may not have the metabolic/nutritional status to support wound healing . Nutrient support must be restored for the healing to even begin. Some wounds cannot be closed in nice lines and need to heal from the base up. These deeper, wider wounds require packing and protection to allow healing to begin. It takes even more time. All of these wounds heal at their own rate and timing. Becoming frustrated and smacking the wound around, does nothing to bring healing. In fact those actions will bring more damage and make existing fragile healed areas damaged. Patience is required. Be patient with yourself. Be kind to yourself. Give yourself the time you need to heal. Patience is not being stuck.
Over a year ago, during a counseling session I admitted a huge case of shoulds and expressed my frustration for not feeling like I was ever going to be free of the hurt. My counselor told me “One day you will wake up and realize it is all done.” He then smiled and said, “but not today.” Honestly, I thought the man was nuts and just repeating some nice psychological platitude. I so could not see that healing coming to completion . For me the intense part was a two and half year process of counseling to learn, to work, to heal. He was right I did wake one day and realize how far I had come. I still had some healing to do to be back to 100%, but at this time I am able to use the tools I gained to continue the process. The wound did not hurt as much. There was significant healing, It had happened. Having patience with myself was not being stuck.
Below I list some of the resources that I utilized specifically. Disclosure: I have absolutely no financial ties to any of the resources or persons listed. I receive nothing if you choose to purchase or use them. I do not personally know nor have any ties to the authors/speakers. My only goal is to aid you and maybe save you a little time. I urge to reach out and find your support system. Find tools and resources to help you work and heal.
YouTube Videos
Dr. Henry Cloud: Necessary Endings–Multiple videos from 2018—he has posted some updates since then
Jimmy Evan: The Hurt Pocket series–Videos from 2015
Books
Evans, Jimmy, “When Life Hurts: Finding Hope and Healing From the Pain You Carry”, Baker Books, Baker Publishing Group, Grand Rapids, MI, 2013
Evan, Tony, “Divorce and Remarriage”, Moody Publishers, Chicago, IL, 2012
West, Kari & Quinn, Noelle, “When He Leaves”, Harvest House Publishers, Eugene, OR, 1998.
Gire, Ken, “Life As We Would Want It…Life As We Are Given It”, W Publishing Group, a Division of Thomas Nelson, Inc. Nashville TN, 2006
Rothschild, Jennifer, “Psalm 23 The Shepherd With Me”, LifeWay Press, Nashville, TN 2018.