…with a mountain of help from my friends.

“Friend is always loyal, and a brother is born to help in time of need.” Proverbs 17:17 NLT

“The heartfelt counsel of a friend is as sweet as perfume and incense” Proverbs 27:9 NLT

Support is crucial in getting through a loss and the grief following loss.  We cannot successfully do it alone.  We are not made to do it alone.  Pain, injury, mistrust, doubt, and depression seek to close us off.   The pain and depression want to isolate us during the time we need those that love us the most.  It wants to keep us from reaching out.  Sometimes just  it just shuts us down and everyone else out.  It traps us with emotions and feelings we are not able to carry alone.  Sometimes it uses the guise of shame.  Others times a mask of pride will keep us from reaching out.  It can become a well of water that closes over us making us sure we will drown in that dark hole.  I urge you to reach out.  In spite of the pain reach out.  Pull your hand up out of the water and signal for help.  Send that SOS out to those you love.   Reach out to those trusted friends and friends to help you keep your head above the water by sharing the load.  Reach out to your family,  close friends,  your pastor or other church leaders.  These are life lines we cannot ignore. Life lines we need to grasp.  Life lines God will send.  

I am immensely blessed with a sister and a friend that were my mainstays during this dark time.  They were the foundation that supported me.  After my husband of 26 years walked out of the house having informed me he “wanted out”,  I walked around like a zombie from room to room.   Nothing was the same as it had been just a short 30 minutes prior.  My heart had been torn out, yet I was still breathing. It was a nightmare, I surely would awaken from in a moment.   I was in shock.  I did not know what to do. I called Debby.  I got out 4 words “He’s having an affair”.  Unsure of where he had gone nor if/when he would return I wouldn’t let her come over.  She provided words of comfort and solace I needed.  She was devastated for me.  See, Debby had lived through this same world crumbling events herself.  She had been in my place only with two small children clinging to her.  She knew my pain like no other could.  She was and still is an priceless source of support and encouragement.  Her sweet husband and she would be there in the drop of a hat to help.  I think I drove their truck more that year hauling away old memories and bringing in the new than her husband did for for a couple of years.   Debby  tells me when I am being ridiculous—only sometime later not at the beginning.  She will also listen while I tell her about and cry over the little things I find cleaning out the house.  She encourages me to take the steps I need to and jumps in with tons of help to get the tasks completed. She will even push me when I am slow to do what needs be done.   She prays with and for me. She will laugh at the crazy revenge wishes that pop into my head (“I hope ‘she’ is some hairy sweaty guy in a basement.” and  other such mature thoughts).  She squelches her own desires to seek revenge for me as only a friend can.   As I said she is completely priceless.  

I also have a sister that has been like a second mother at nearly 12 yrs my senior. Our mother came from a very different perspective and time period.  She just could not give up the hope that my ex-husband and I would reconcile.   My sister, Reba was my rock. She was my second phone call as she was not available first. After I gave her the 4 words all she could repeat was “What?”   Once what I was saying sank in she too wanted to fly to my side.  I held her off for the same reasons I would not let Debby come.  Reba, too had suffered my situation and more than once.  For her own reasons she chose to stay in her marriage.  That is her story to tell and maybe one day she will.  She understood that pain of betrayal.  As a sister , she  wanted nothing more that to take that pain away.  She was my balm and comfort.  She held me while I cried.   Listened as I talked regardless of the hour.  She stepped in with Mother when I couldn’t do any more.  She painted, cleaned, packed and unpacked more than one house. She made made me laugh through the tears as only sisters can.  She prayed and she prays for me. She hurt right along with me.  She grieved my loss and her own loss of a brother she loved.    She is another completely priceless jewel in my treasures.  

There is also my niece, my daughter, and other friends that are such a help.  My daughter was a unique relationship and I will discuss it more later. From providing physical labor in packing and moving, to a hug when I broke down at work, to a phone call at just the right time, each, is a a jewel in his/her own way.  Such blessings I give thanks for.  I also found a small church that knows how to love.  It is so good to be back in a church family that will pray with and for you.  Those help you plug back into service of others.  Those help you feel normal again–Such a wonderful blessing.  

After the initial shock began to wear away and ink dried on the papers we signed, I began to search for a professional counselor.  Yes, I had an amazing safety net in the friends and family that supported me, but I needed more.  I was battling depression and anxiety like never before rising from sources of rejection,  betrayal, anger, grief, and emotional exhaustion.  Yes, I went to my medical doctor and was prescribed medications and required dose adjustments.  I believe God uses medications also.  In addition, I  needed a counselor.  Someone profession, unbiased, and with the ability to teach me skills and techniques to deal with the emotional upheaveal of my life.  Having worked in the medical field I wanted a psychologist.  Counselors come in a variety of levels, qualifications,  and certifications.  I have worked with amazing social workers that make great counselors.  I have seen pastoral counselors that are gifted above all others.  Seek one that fits you—your personality, spiritual beliefs,  and needs.  This is not to say I sought the counselor over healing from God.  I fully believe God uses the counselor to assist in bringing that healing.  I often will say “Okay God what are we going to deal with today?” as I travel to the appointment.  Sometimes I know.  Other times God surprises me during the visit.  My counselor is a Godly man who prays with me at the end of each session.  I really did not want a male counselor.  God knew better and kept bringing this counselor to my attention during my search.  As usual God was right.  This counselor has been another jewel in my recovery chest.  

I am so saddened that our society has placed such a stigma on needing help dealing with our mental and emotional difficulties.  This is despite that same society having the greatest number of mental health symptoms and diagnoses than any generation before.  We are all hurting.  We are all dealing with trials, struggles, pain, and grief.  If you have a constant pain you arm and the arm begins to lose function, I believe you would see a medical professional for treatment.  No one would think you weak for seeking treatment and preventing the physical problem from becoming worse.  The same practices should be true for our emotional health. Seek treatment. Seek healing.   Seek wholeness.