“Then King David went in and sat before the Lord and prayed, ‘Who am I , O Sovereign Lord, and what is my family, that you have brought me this far?'” 1Chronicles 17:16 NLT
“Then Peter called to him ‘Lord, if it’s really you, tell me to come to you, walking on the water’. ‘Yes, Come.’ Jesus said. Matthew 14:28-29 NLT
“‘For I know the plans I have for you’, says the Lord. ‘They are plans for good not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.'” Jeremiah 29:11 NLT
Who am I? I remember who I was before. Who I was before the pain….Before the loss…..Before all of the changes large and small. I was a young woman seeking to be a difference maker. I was student ready to study and learn to teach others. I was a God seeking Christian for all areas of my life. I was a daughter hoping to make her parents proud. I was a sister who loved her sisters so very much. I was the crazy, fun aunt who played in the floor. I was a wife who loved her husband and wanted to be a partner. I was a mother with a beautiful child to love and raise. I was a professional on the rise in my career. I was….Was is past tense. Was is previous. Was is behind me.
They say the only constant is change. I have see so much change in the last few years. Gone is the young woman who became a mature woman with the scars that accompany living. Gone are the proud parents to their eternal rewards. Gone is a sister who fought a battle with cancer with more grace than I could imagine. Gone are the playtimes on the floor, outgrown in time and distance. Gone is the husband who chose a very different path. Gone is the beautiful child, as she transformed into a lovely adult woman I am so proud of raising. Gone is the luster of a career that once was my pride, leaving me less fulfilled. All of these were huge parts of my life and how I identified myself. All changed and some even removed from what and where they were in my life and plan. All unstable anchors I held so dear. All changed at the whims of circumstance called death, divorce, and time.
It leaves me asking who am I now? For the first time in my life I do not have a definite answer. My career is no longer who I am, but what I do. I am a mother, but the role is now more of a friend and counselor to a lovely woman. I am a sister to a loving sister, but she does not need taken care of like my mother and father in law did. Where is my real identity? Who am I? That is a big question in three little words. I never thought I would have an identity crisis…. Yet here it is. This has been quite difficult to work through in the last two years. It seems I have always had a title that defined who I am. I have always had a role to fulfill, with constructs defining me. I find myself without definitions. This is new and makes me feel afloat without a definite direction.
Perhaps I have been taking distorted view. Letting the past define may future. Perhaps instead of looking to who I was and the roles that ended, I need to I begin considering who do I want to be? Who do I want to become? Ironically, I am not fully sure of that either. It is easier to say who I do not want to be. I do not want to be the bitter old woman. I do not want to be the crazy cat lady, living alone with a dozen cats. (I do like cats and have one.) I do not want to live my life solely for others’ approvals. I do not want to be my career. I do not want the last few years to be my final definition.
I am finding there are some things I do want. I do still want to be a difference maker, small or large. I do still want some adventure. I do still want to create and enjoy the process. I do still want to be in some sort of ministry. I do still want to learn and then to teach. I am beginning to realize this could be a very exciting time in my life. A time when without a label I can choose some new paths. I can make some changes. As exciting as that sounds it is also scary. New ventures and adventures often are scary. The unknown is scary. I can relate to Peter stepping out of the boat. It took faith and a lot of trust to put those feet on the water. I am sure it was scary on the water with the waves.
Like Peter I have to believe God will be there when I step into the path. He has been my stronghold in all of the changes and transitions in recent years. God, He is the one constant in my past, present, and future. Even when I was not sure He was there, He had me in His hands. Even when I was so angry at Him for letting these things happen, He did not leave. Even when the pain was so great I could not see Him, He was holding me. Even when I was sure I wanted everything to just stop, He was providing strength for one more day. He is here still. He will be where ever the path leads. He is Alpha and Omega. He is my beginning and my end. He is the one with the best plan. Yes, the best. I can make plans, but His will bring the best results for me. He is the one providing my hope and my future. He is my protector. He is my healer. He is my restorer. He is my supplier. He is my strength. He is my peace. He is my King. He is my Savior. He is ….. Because He is I believe I can be. I can be who He has created and called me to be even if I do not see it all mapped out right now. My life can become all that He has planned even if there are waves. In His perfect timing I can walk on those waves like Peter. I have to trust him and take those scary steps to get out of the boat. I must keep my eyes on Him be it dirt path or sea waves. I believe He does have a plan. I may not see it all right now. I may not even fully believe it all right now. I don’t have to yet, because I believe in the One that made the heavens and the earth. I believe He can bring more to pass than I could ever imagine or even hope to be true. I believe He can. I believe He will. I believe I am His child– That is who I am.