“Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed. If one person falls the other can reach out and help. but if someone who falls alone is in real trouble…..A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back to back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple-braided-cord is not easily broken”. Ecclesiastes 9-12 NLT
“When Jesus woke up, he rebuked the wind and the raging waves. Suddenly the storm stoped and all was calm.” Luke 8: 25 NLT
So I found myself divorced. As I’ve said many times in other posts this is not where I had ever thought I would be. Let me clarify that a bit. It’s not that I ever thought that I was too good to be divorced. It was not that my religion didn’t condone divorce. It was not that I believed every marriage is completely salvageable. The real reason I never thought I would be divorced is because I was committed to marriage. I was committed completely to my marriage. I spoke those vows very seriously. I would not have worked so hard on the relationship if I had not been so committed. I would have not forgiven the other emotional affairs up to this point, if I had not been so committed. I believed we could be the couple that celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary. I was very proud of having been married 26 years. I fully planned on the “until death do us part” thing.
In my line of work I am blessed to meet so many couples that have been married 50 and 60 plus years. I had one 80+ year old tell me his wife of 62 years could not go to sleep “without her kiss goodnight” while she blushed and nodded. I always thought that was so sweet and romantic. Although I still believe longevity love and marriage are to be celebrated greatly, I now have a bit of a different view. I now wonder, what did they have to face together? What did they work through? What trial may have almost split them up? What was the glue that caused them to stay married? Love, definitely. Commitment most assuredly. Determination, you bet. Humor, most necessary. The answer I believe is work. Yes, that 4 lettered, most unromantic concept ever suggested is what kept them together.
I’m not a real fan girl, but I do think one Hollywood mega star was spot on in his Oscar acceptance speech. In thanking is wife, he said that marriage is work. He then told his wife that there was no one else he would rather work with and thanked her for working with him. The media gave him such grief for talking about the work of marriage rather than some flowery ‘thanks for your support’ speech. I even at that time thought it a bit odd. Today, I completely understand what he was saying. It is a huge truth our society wants to ignore. I thought it was a wonderful complement to want to work with someone. Marriage is work. Marriage is not flowers and love sonnets 24/7—that is a wedding. A marriage takes work by two people to make the becoming “one flesh” thing happen successfully. It takes two people working to be partners, supporters, and teammates, to grow a beautiful oneness spoken of in Genesis 2:24.
Unfortunately, not all weddings result in a real partnership to achieve that terrific oneness. Yes, there are some days one will not be able to give the 100% needed. The other gives the extra those days to make up the difference. Even scripture tells this is the case and to the benefit of both people. (Ecc 4:9) There are great problems when only one person tries to work. No one ever is able to constantly give everything it takes to make something work for two. For true success each person must work. For great success they must work together.
When the relationship reaches a point when one person has been working the most for the duration it is an imbalance that cannot be sustained. The worker will become exhausted. The relationship will suffer without the aid of the second person. Yes for the last several years of my marriage I was the worker. I was the one trying to make it work. I am not saying if only. I cannot go there. It is a soul draining trap that will leave me dry and stuck in the past. I am however realizing that like so many things as complicated as a marriage it is never just one aspect, one event, or one choice that leads to the demise. There was a process that let up the exhaustion and demise of the marriage. Just as in a perfect storm this require multiple different events to occur at a certain point in time, so does the events that lead to the demise of a marriage. We had a perfect storm.
Our perfect storm had multiple fronts. I had become angry with and stepped back from God. My ex husband had stepped very far away from God during the same time. I, after caring for my dying sister, was engulfed in grief and depression. I was dealing with an ill mother and trying to meet her needs as she transitioned to a nursing home permanently. I was the focus of her anger, which deepened my depression and grief. He was feeling the empty nest much more acutely than I. He was believing a huge part of his life was over, not just evolving. He felt less than successful having never really recovered emotionally nor financially from a severe career hit several years before. He felt lost to his family of origin due to family dynamics and the passing of his dad. I had been his sole support system as he had no male friends he confided in. I was no longer able to fully support him, due to my emotional/mental state. I needed his support, but he was not accustomed to being the supporter. Given his mental state he was not able to support me either. Had he supported me, I most likely could have assisted supporting him. At the core, we had somewhere along the way stopped working together. We each tried to work through life’s trial and problems on our own. We were no longer the team. We were roommates and no longer partners. We were not standing back to back to support and fight off the multiple areas of attack hitting us (Ecclesiastes 4:12). Yes, it was a perfect storm. A perfect storm that led to the end of our marriage.
What is most important to realize is Jesus is able to calm any storm—even perfect storms. Luke 8:22-25 tells us of a physical storm he calmed and amazed his disciples. He was able with his command to stop the gale winds and waves to bring complete calm. Had my ex husband and I not allowed our relationships with God to wane so drastically I fully believe our marriage would have been able to survive the storm. We would have turned to the one that calmed storms and asked for his assistance. Would our marriage have suffered damage? Most likely. Would it have been repairable? Again most likely. Would we have been devastation? I believe not. You see God makes the two one flesh. He is the joiner, the molder, the ultimate glue to keep us together. Without God in the marriage we were susceptible to the storm.
Scripture tells us in the same Ecclesiastes passage that a three cord braid is not easily broken. At our wedding we had forgotten to purchase the large candle for our unity candle lighting. We chose, rather than try to find one the night before, to use one offered by the church from their supply closet. It was the Christ candle from the previous Advent Season. How truly appropriate was that? At the time we married our unity candle represented that three braid cord with Christ! When God is at the center of a marriage, it is a strong three cord braid. Husband and wife work with Him and each other to be strongly supported. Fast forward 24 years and my ex husband and I had pushed out the third cord in our marriage braid. We were no longer strong. Once the perfect storm started hitting we even stopped standing back to back to fight together. We had allowed our selves to become two singles trying to fight. Just as scripture states we were easily overcome. The braid completely unraveled and we were bowled over by the perfect storm. Separately we each came back to God. I developed an even closer relationship with Him. Unfortunately, it was too late to salvage the marriage shattered in the perfect storm.