“If you forgive those who sin against you, your heavenly Father will forgive you. but if you refuse to forgive others, your Father will not forgive your sins.” Matt 6:4-15 NLT
“But when you are praying, first forgiven anyone you are holding a grudge against, so that your Father in heaven will forgive your sins too.” Mark 11:25 NLTi
“ Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and lander, as well as all typed of evil behavior. Instead be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another just as God through Christ has forgiven you.” Ephesians 4: 31-32
“….Watch out that no poisonous root of bitterness grows up to trouble you, corrupting many.” Hebrews 12: 15
Forgiveness. Not something found among all of the emotions rolling inside me after I discovered the affair. It did not come to mind as we wrote the divorce agreement. It was not a consideration as we liquidated shared assets, collected over 27 years. It was not something I could even begin to muster in my thoughts of my ex husband as he flew to another country to be with another woman. I was furiously angry. I was deeply hurt. I was alternating numb and raw. I was so many things. Forgiving was not one of them. I knew the above scriptures. I had heard the sermons. I had even taught the lessons. I was not able to consider forgiveness. The pain was too great. The insult to massive. The rejection too complete. Forgiveness was not possible for me.
When we went through the first emotional affairs, in counseling, I learned a new definition of forgiveness. I learned that when I chose to forgive someone, I am not giving a stamp of approval on their actions. I am not saying I am “okay” with what they did nor how it occurred. Forgiving is not a sugar coating to be spread over foul smelling debris. Forgiving is a choice. It is choosing to let go of the desire for revenge. It is choosing to not seek vigilante justice. It is choosing to no longer let that person have control over you. It is choosing to no longer have to replay events and conversations in your head day and night. It is choosing to let peace replace anger. It is choosing to let healing begin in the hurt places. It is choosing to let God determine the outcome for the offending person.
I heard one woman who had been hurt and abused more than I can begin to imagine describe the process of forgiveness as pleading your case before the judge. The difference is this judge is the perfect judge—The judge that meets out the absolutely best judgement. As the plaintiffs we are only responsible to plead our case. We can cry out, telling this judge every sordid detail of every hurtful event knowing he will listen without judging us. After pleading our case, we are to walk out of the courtroom, leaving the verdict details and sentencing process to the judge. It becomes his offense to manage and correct. We no longer in our unforgiving, powerless status need to continue vainly to convict, sentence, nor impose judgement on the person who hurt us. We walk away free. We are free of the burden of unforgiveness. With that new found freedom comes a new duty. We are not to accuse the person again in any court—be that the hair salon, church social, or family reunion. We are not to attempt to meet out judgement in any other forms be it verbal maligning or intentional actions against that person. We have left those decisions in the courtroom to our perfect judge. We walk away free of the burden of carrying the heavy load of unforgiveness. We walk into the lightness of living in forgiveness.
What I learned during this hurtful situation is what forgiveness does not have to include. It is not an automatic reconciliation. Remember as a child when Johnny hit Susie or Susie pulled Johnny’s hair? I was taught to “say you’re sorry”, hug, and go play again. We tell kids to forgive and then go play together. I had the distinct impression that forgiveness equated reconciliation. Sometimes the relationship, like mine, may be so broken it is not possible to reconcile. It may not even healthy to restore that relationship if the person is not willing to change or even see his/her errors. The other person does not have to accept the forgiveness. This may be the situation if the offender does not see what he/she did that was so hurtful. This is also true if the offender is no longer alive. We are not responsible for his/her reaction or further actions. We are responsible to forgive. Period. Once we do our part we are leaving the rest to God to determine what happens with the other person. Nope, it is not easy. This is certainly not the first instinctual reaction to offense. I assuredly did not find it easy to forgive and continue walking in forgiveness. I definitely did not react that way initially. This is learned, practiced, and sometimes renewed daily.
Why is forgiveness such an imperative? Why was it so important that God even associates our forgiving with His forgiving us? I believe the answer to that is the root of bitterness spoken of in Hebrews. Unforgiveness is a heavy burden. A pressure we were never intended to endure. The constant reliving events and feeling those same hurts over and over again causes excess wear on our souls. In the body anytime there is pressure or wear a tissue thickening or callus can form. A hardening if you will of the tissues that can cause a rock like formation that produces additional discomfort. Once a callus reaches this point it is so much more difficult to remedy. In the foot, it produces pain with walking and actually changes the way we walk. This can influence balance, alignment of the knee and hip joints and the pelvis, producing wear and long term damage. Hard calluses can definitely influence our mood and how we relate to others due to the pain. It can make walking so difficult we do not want to do it. The hard callus requires deeper mechanical removal and takes longer to heal. If not dealt with properly, these can even return and the cycle begins again. My dear father-in-law had such terrible foot calluses he would be a complete grump and walk at a near hobble for short distances before his next appointment with the podiatrist. The treatment was often painful with callus whittling and hard center removal. After a few days of healing Pop would be back to his usual jovial self ready to go and work. Only a few weeks later he would be in the same impaired mobility status with a definite mood swing. It was an unending cycle that would have been so much different had he taken care of the callus situation decades ago when it was new. If he had taken the appropriate measures to correct his foot problems when they started the cycle he ended his life with would have never started.
Carrying unforgiveness causes a callus on our souls. If that pressure is not relieved when it is new, it can produce the hard center of bitterness within our souls. Once our souls become callused it effects our relationships with others—spouses, children, coworkers, and even God. The bitterness can overshadow all we do and become. It can keep us from moving forward emotionally and in the plans God has for us. How many Hallmark movies are based cranky, bitter, old people and the havoc that bitterness has wreaked on their and others’ lives? Even “A Christmas Carole” by Dickens was based on a man that once was hurt and allowed such a callus to harden his soul that he nearly lost out on life completely. His bitterness negatively impacted everyone around him to the point of being left completely alone. The harsh sting of his bitterness was felt by all those he foreclosed upon, his employee, and his family. Bitterness is an invasive root that when planted will grow at exponential proportions. There will not be a choice nor action that it does not influence if left untreated.
The scriptures in Matthew and Mark gospels are not saying that God does not want to forgive us. No, God does want to forgiven and gave his Son to make that possible. What God does not want, is for us to even begin to allow this root of bitterness build up,n separating us from him and all the wonderful possibilities he has for us. By forgiving we eliminate the risk of that soul hardening. By forgiving we stay soft allowing God to heal our hurts and damages. We give up holding on to a burden too heavy and costly to carry. Forgiveness does not have nearly as much to do with the person we are forgiving as it does with us. It is not for the offender’s benefit. Forgivenesss is for our benefit.
As weeks became months, I prayed fervently. I knew my ex husband and I were not destine to reunite. Too much had happened for me to ever be able to trust him without a great deal of change on his part. I prayed for healing for us all. I prayed for his return to Christ in a real way. I prayed to be able to carry on in this new path I was traveling. In September I received an email from him saying how very sorry he was for all he had done to me and our daughter. He realized he had made great mistakes and believed lies about his middle aged life. He informed me had not had any peace since he left. He apologized for all he had done and asked for my forgiveness. I was shocked. Is this not what I had wanted and in a way prayed for? Being the mature Christian I was, I told him I could not forgive him. I was not ready to let his guilty verdict and sentencing to go to the judge. I still wanted the revenge. I wanted to hold the hangman’s noose. I just did not realize that noose was around my neck and not my ex-husbands.
A few more weeks passed and I was the one without peace. Fortunately, God would not leave me alone about the forgiveness. It seemed every sermon, scripture, and radio song I heard had something to do with forgiveness. I knew I needed to forgive. As I said I had taught the lessons. I just did not WANT to let go. I still wanted to meet out the punishment that I was powerless to wield. I wanted to hold on to something that was absolutely futile. It does not make much sense when stated like that does it? I began to think about the bitterness. I have seen so many bitter people in my line of work and personal life. I knew I had to forgive if I did not want to become engulfed in a bitter life. A life that would affect my daughter and all those around me. I also wanted to be free of my ex-husband. I wanted to be free of thinking of what he was doing or if he was happy. The unforgiveness kept him in the forefront of my mind. I was constantly considering where he was and doing and comparing it to where I was and doing. I was vainly hoping he was unhappy and miserable. My thoughts had absolutely no influence on him. They did have every influence on me. I was unhappy and miserable.
If forgiveness is a choice, why could I not choose it? Why could I not let go and let my perfect judge make the rulings according to His perfect plans? All I had to do was say the words. Tired of suffering the misery that I wanted for him, I began to change my course. I prayed and asked God to forgive me for my harboring the unforgiveness. I then put my forgiveness into action– I emailed my ex husband and told him I forgave him. I told him I no longer held him responsible for the effect his actions had upon me. I wish I could say it was some mystical experience and I had some holy amnesia regarding all the events and hurts of the previous months and even years of our marriage. Hardly. I still could remember it all. What did happen was the beginning of a process that I am still working on over two years later. Forgiveness and healing. Yes, I had to deal with my emotions and process those through positive methods and multiple counseling sessions. Yes, there are a still times thoughts come to mind, conversations try to replay, and anger will flair. I have to remind myself I am not dwelling there. I can visit and deal with my emotional response, but I do not own that real estate any longer. I am not staying. I left that title and deed in the court room with the perfect Judge. Yes I have been back to the Judge several times when dealing with arising hurts. There have been a few new hurts along the way as I found out more. There has also been some hurts too large to heal at once. The process has taken time, prayer, trusting God, and therapy sessions. I have had people say they are amazed I am not bitter with this whole unjust situation. I tell them it was too high a price to pay, so I chose not to pay.