Green is a favorite color. My living and dining rooms are green based now. My bedroom was previously. I have several shades of green in my wardrobe. It can be warm and comforting. It can be cool and serene. It can shock and nearly blind you if you are old enough to recall the 1980’s. It can also destroy. Of course, now I refer the shade of green that is ultimately ugly on everyone—the shade of jealousy.
Webster defines jealous as “hostile toward a rival or one believed to have an advantage; intolerant of rivalry or unfaithfulness; disposed to suspect rivalry or unfaithfulness; vigilant in guarding a possession.” Hostile. Intolerant. Suspicious. Guarding. None of those bring pleasant connotations nor indicate security. The words paint insecurity in broad powerful strokes. Hostile toward another who is perhaps better. Intolerant of another who has the advantage. Suspicious or untrusting of another who has what you want. Guarding of what you have. Jealousy is grown in the soil of insecurity based on a comparison. One compares the other with oneself to reach the conclusion the other has more and better, is undeserving of having what they have received, or will be able to take yours away from you. It grows best when watered with feeling entitled to and then slighted by not receiving the desired reward. It is a terrible weed in the heart’s garden. It is much like crab grass. It is tenacious and difficult to clear out. The best way is with “pre emergent” treatments. For the non gardening folks that means you remove it before you ever see any growth. It is treated before it has a chance to sprout and take root. The seed is destroyed before it can germinate. The tender young plant is removed before it can send out sustaining and propagating roots.
We have established jealousy is ugly, but if so, why is jealousy such a problem? We need to go back to the beginning to locate the first jealousy. In Genesis 4 we find Cain was jealous of God’s acceptance of Abel’s offerings. Able had brought God the best and first of is flock with an attitude of honor toward God. Able loved God and freely showed it with all he did and gave. God was so pleased with Able expression of love and worship. Cain in juxtaposition brought “some” of the harvest of his fields. He did not give God his best nor do it with the loving worshiping heart of his brother. Cain may have loved God, but he did not have the same relationship with God that Able had. Seeing God’s response to his brother’s gift, Cain became jealous. Instead cultivating his own relationship with God, Cain became jealous that Abel received God’s favor. God even reached out to warned Cain to not let that reaction sit in his heart. Cain again chose disregard God’s warning with terrible consequences.
“ God spoke to Caine: ‘Why this tantrum? Why this sulking? If you do well won’t you be accepted? And if you don’t do well, sin is lying in wait for you, ready to pounce; it’s out to get you, you’ve got to master it’. Cain had words with is brother. They are out in the field; Cain came at Abel his brother and killed him.”
Genesis 4: 6-8 The Message
Jealousy was the motive for the first murder. God warned Cain to not let jealousy stay as it would become sin. He warned it was waiting to pounce. It was literally trying to take out both brothers. One with physical death and one with spiritual death. Interesting that that God told Cain he had the ability to master or control it. In other words Cain had a choice. He could have chosen to not let the jealousy stay and become sin. I do not believe God would have told Cain to “master it” if it were not possible to do so. It even looked promising as Cain was in the fields with his brother. Perhaps the initial start to a conversation. It said they had words. Perhaps a discussion that went awry when the jealousy raised its head again. Cain could have walked away to let his temper cool. He could have talked it out later. There was a choice. Cain made a choice. He chose to let the jealousy sit, take root, and become sin. Sin so great it begat murder.
I met with my ex husband again. Unusual circumstances caused me to be in possession of something sent to me that should have been sent to him. It was something important and prompted me to have to contact him. We set up a meeting for the exchange. I also gave him a couple of items from a box that had been mixed up in my belongings instead of going to him much earlier. We met in a public parking place that Friday evening. He arrived in a luxury model/priced SUV (last time it was an even higher priced luxury model sedan). When he got out he had on a shirt from a trendy/popular restaurant located at some vacation spot. He had an Apple watch on his wrist. The diamonds in his wedding ring were flashing in the evening sun. I kept telling myself to ignore all of this. It did not matter. It was not relevant nor important. I honestly did not want an Apple watch. I had been to the restaurant on vacation too and was not impressed. I loved my new SUV that I bought on my own. What did it matter what he had or did not have?
Then he asked me if I was happy living in my house. What? I went off in my head. What does that mean? Why do you care? Why are you asking this when you asked it the last time we met. Suddenly, it felt like he was knocking my home. Like it was beneath him and where he would have chosen to live. I chose my home because the house was a perfect fit for what I wanted and liked. I did not want a large house with a huge yard. I had that before and gave it up intentionally. How dare he demean my choices?!? I got it in check and told him the truth. I love my house and am very happy there. We finished our conversation peacefully as I never verbalized my thoughts to him. I never made my noticing of his pricey possessions known. I went on my way as did he.
I began while abed to pray about the situation and asking God what I was supposed to glean from the meeting. What was the reason for having to see him again? Bridges had previously been burned and I thought that was that. Outside of possible circumstances with our daughter, I had really not expected to see him again. There must be a reason. I heard nothing about it from Him. I prayed off and on all the next day. I felt restless and mulled over the conversation in my head most of the day. I even had a dream about my ex the next night. I woke slightly disturbed because I had been mad at him and expressed it in my dream. I prayed again asking “What does this all mean Lord?” As I sat up on the side of the bed, I clearly heard God say “You are jealous.” I immediately began to deny the possibility, when BAM! It hit me. I was jealous. I was jealous! Where did that come from? How could that have started?
It was a bit deflating to realize I had let that shade of green to develop. I started to take stock and realized I was jealous of my ex’s apparent success in finance. I had done the comparison and was certain I had received the bum end of the deal. WOW! I had hidden that one quite well from myself. I had admitted previously my jealousy regarding the relationship/marriage he had. I had worked on that from our first meeting and felt I had overcome that landmine. How could I be jealous of my ex, when God had blessed me so incredibly abundantly in so many ways and from so many sources? Truth? I was still angry that my ex had messed up our finances so much. I was angry that I had worked all my life and had not reached the place I thought I would be. I did not have the retirement account I thought I would have now. I had to sell our previous home at a loss. I could still see the pittance sum in our savings and checking accounts when I did check on balances. Down deep I was still blaming him for a large part of all of this. Yet, despite this mess up, my ex seemed to have the outward appearance of being financially well off. It really was not fair.
Looking at the past from this new realization of anger and blame, I realized I was a lot like Cain. No, I did not want to kill anyone, but perhaps Cain did not either in the beginning. Like Cain, I was comparing. I was also forgetting, I had not done all I could and should have done to make what I wanted a reality. I had let my ex manage our finances….alone. I was not willing to sit down with him and do the work. When I did see some warning signals, I chose to look the other way instead of investigate and manage. In truth, I held as much responsibility for the financial downfall of the marriage as my ex did. Ouch! That was a large, rough pill to swallow. I was responsible. I needed to accept that and let go of the blame game I had been playing.
I began to pray and repent. I thanked God for all he had provided me and asked for forgiveness for forgetting His blessings. I asked for forgiveness for not being a better manager of what I had been given in the past. I asked for forgiveness for comparing myself to my ex husband. I chose to forgive my ex for his part in what happened to our finances. I asked that no bitterness take root and that God bring healing to my heart in this area. I asked him to make me a better financial manager with all he has given me now and would give in the future. I even prayed God would bless my ex husband and his wife.
I was reminded of the scripture where James and John asked Jesus to put them on his right and left in His kingdom. When Peter heard the rumor of the request and realized it was true, he became angry. Jesus reminded him, God chooses who will have which blessings and outcomes in life. He essentially told Peter he would be a martyr (despite being the rock the church would be built upon) and John would live a long life (it was in exile on a work/prison island). What did it matter to Peter what God chose to do with/for John? Neither Peter nor John had the whole picture of what would happen in their lives. If Peter just concentrated on John living longer, it could have consumed him and completely derailed his vital ministry in the early church. It is the same for me. What business is it of mine what God choses to give my ex-husband? It is absolutely none of my business. My business is to live my life and give God the praise He deserves for meeting my needs and blessing me. I need to trust God to take care of it all and lead me in the path He has for me. I cannot compare myself to others and build my life on what they have or or are doing. I need to be like Peter here and let that go, following God for my life. I admit, that concept was a bit difficult to grab and really hold onto. For the next few weeks I continued to pray and try. After pulling out the first few weeds, the pre-emergent treatment began working. Yes, I am certain it will need be applied again in other areas, but I know how and to whom to turn to make it successful.