Breathe

“Why am I discouraged? Why is my heart so sad? I will put my hope in God? I will praise Him again—my Savior and my God!”    Psalm 42: 11  NLT

For the Spirit of God has made me, and the breath of the Almighty gives me life.”   Job 33: 4

Anniversaries.  Dates that are remembered for a notable event.  Interesting that Mr. Webster did not feel the need to describe the notable event and positive or negative.  Just something that had some impact on someone or some people to the point of being remembered.  I have quite a few of those dates.  My daughter’s birthday.  The date I bought my first house.  The dates my dad passed away.  The date of my baptism.  The date of my wedding.  The date I found about the affair.  The dates we celebrate are joyous and special.  The others bring sadness and can stir up pain.  The pain dulls with time.  My dad left this world November 20th over 30 years ago.  I still note it each year, but the pain becomes less with each year that passes.  I still can still feel the feelings. I can still see the sweat on his brow.  I can still recall the song I sang to him as he slowly lost consciousness.  I tear up, but I usually do not full on cry anymore.  I usually call my sister to talk.  We remember the good and reminisce favorite memories.  Occasionally we regret Dad was not here for events or to see his grandchildren born and grow.  Sometimes we talk about hurts from the adult view instead of the child view we had before.  We shared the experiences and can reflect together.  Both of us feel better after.  Healing has occurred with the time that passed.  

May 14th is the day I found out about my ex husband’s affair.  It is a day I will not forget for quite some time.  The pain is less this year than last year.  It is certainly less than the first year.  Interesting that I have no one with whom to really discuss it.  The one person who went through  it with me is not available nor is he the person whom I wish to review it.  I mention it to a few friends and family.  They are supportive and loving, but again they were not there.  The friend who has walked in these shoes before is most supportive and encouraging.  It is difficulty to comfort another if you have not experienced his/her hurt.  I have no ill feelings toward my friends and family that have difficulty relating.  In fact I am happy they do not understand.  

I was in a mood all that week.  I was listless, and had difficulty concentrating at home and work.  I was sad for no apparent reason and coming to tears much more easily usually.  Then I look at the calendar.  The 14th was looming and I had forgotten how close it was.  My injured soul knew an anniversary was just a few days away.  The emotional response I was exhibiting began to make sense and had a cause.  It was nice to know I was not losing my mind or had become a grouchy person.  

The feelings shifted and I became angry with myself.  I was angry that this anniversary still had power over me.  The shoulds came  screaming in from the background.  I should not be affected by dates so much by this point.  I should be over the hurt after this much time.  I should be able to move on without this emotional pansy response.  I should…..  The downward spiral progressed to scream to me that he was not succuming any of these type of emotional breakdowns.  He was certainly not affected like I am.  There were no tears in his eyes on this date.  He most likely did not even know the date my world blew up.  More questions and then accusations poured in through the opening the shoulds had wedged in my mind.  How can you write to comfort others if you are still feeling like this?  You are weak.  You are stuck.  The spiral ends with You are  pathetic.  

All are lies.  I know the lies well.  I have heard them all before.  I pray  and try to block the intrusions.  I realize letting myself go down this road will lead me back in to a murky bog that I have no need to visit much less stay in.  I will be encased in swampy muck again.  I have to turn back the shoulds and their lying cohorts. I have to turn that mind tape off.  In attempts to find some stable ground I push the feelings down. I shove them under and get through the work day.  I refocus and try my best to work. I whisper another short prayer for strength.   

After work I am left alone without distractions of work and “the” weekend stretching out before me.  The shoulds try to play their tirade of lies when I am alone.  It cause all the negative and self deprecating emotions to rise again.  TV and a movie provided some distraction to thwart the thoughts.  When the credits rolled the memories began to rise again.   It can be so very difficult to run from your own head.  I have developed  a new understanding for PTSD and substance abuse.  I do not reach for a substance, but I have found a new understanding of wanting something to shut the voices, if you will, off for a while longer.  Like distraction, the substance induced relief is temporary.  For me it is not worth the hang over and complications that will be there when the pain rises again. However, I do understand how one might fall onto that path.     

Time to practice what I preach right?   Time to be real and deal with these emotions.  It is past time to dig down to the foundation of what is true, rest on the truth, and from there, deal with my emotions.  I close my eyes and whisper another payer.  I tell God it still hurts.  I tell Him I wish I did not feel this way.  I tell Him I am tired of the hurt.  I tell Him I wish I were indifferent to it all.  I tell Him I want to forget.  I tell Him I want to forgive.  I tell Him I am angry, disappointed, and frustrated.  I then ask Him to take the pain and the rest of the hurt.  I ask Him to heal me.   

I then let the memories begin to fill my screen.  I see the look on his face that day.  I hear the dejection in his voice as he realizes he is caught before he wanted his secret out.  I hear him say “Yes, there is someone”.  I hear him defend her to me.  I hear my anger and venomous responses. I hear my lashing out.  I hear the hardness in his voice.  I feel the bewilderment as he walks out.  I feel the knife as it hits the mark and pierces my heart completely.   I feel the tears spill then ….and now.  I allow myself to feel it.  I acknowledge feelings: The hurt, the anger, the rejection, the disbelief, the brokenness.  I realize they have not gone away as I so desperately want.  I ask God again to heal me.  Above all the noise and feelings I a song playing in the background from my play list.  It is one I have not heard for a long time.  I listen as it plays at His direction for this moment.