So I find myself filing for divorce. This most certainly was never what I had planned on doing. I was 26 years into a marriage that had its share of problems. It also included some very good times. I do believe we were in love, but unfortunately we completely lost sight of that. It had happened before, but we were able to work our way through the issues to a degree that prevented divorce from being considered. We were able to find a way back to one another and that love. This time was different. This time there was a deeper more prolonged betrayal. The affairs started out as emotional. There was more than one concurrently. They went on for years not weeks. The irony is he was not able to be true any of the women with whom he had relationships. His online relationships knew of me, but not each other. I did not know of them. I do not know how he met the one chose to live with nor how he decided to take this one further than the others. I never really asked to honest. I think the multiple and prolonged betrayal is what stung the most during the discovery phase, the searching for answers. It hurt deeply to realize he had been looking for someone on dating sites for nearly 2 years. It also hurt that he had been talking with his chosen one for less than 6 months when I discovered the affair. He was leaving 26 yrs of marriage for a less than 6 month relationship. In a way it was what also what made it easier to file for divorce. The betrayal was so lengthy, so deep, separation was only answer. I admit that shortly after filing, I did question is that really what God wants? Did I jump the gun divorcing instead of just a legal separation? I believe in my situation divorce was necessary. His moving to live with her was Biblical grounds, if you will, for divorce. Is it what God really wanted to happen? No. We took vows including until death do us part and lived under the pronouncement let no man put asunder. God respected and was committed to those vows. I fully committed to those vows and spoke them to God as much as to my ex husband. I think initially my ex husband did too. He just wasn’t able to keep his part of the promise.
Let me say here that if you are in a bad marriage, divorce may not be your answer. Yes, I believe it was the answer for me in my situation. If my ex husband had changed his mind before leaving the country, I most likely would have tried to work out our situation. Great changes would have been necessary on both sides. It would have required deep soul and spiritual work separate and together. Counseling would have been paramount. I do not know if that would have worked for us at that time. Part of me believes it would not have, given our history and choices my ex has made since the divorce. I would have at least tried. In reality, it just did not happen that way. In reality he made his choices without turning back nor wanting to reconcile. In my situation I felt God was leading me to this path. In your situation, you need to pray and do what God is prompting for you. Reconciliation is not easy. Divorce is not easy. Either choice will bring an uphill battle and require time for deep healings to be completed. Trust is difficult to rebuild, but it can be done with God’s help. The answer to which is right for you is another question. Which answer is God directing you to choose?
If you find yourself in a divorce situation I want to prepare you for some things that will occur. I have a wonderful friend who unfortunately had gone through this and cautioned me on what I am about to tell you. She was not a Christian when she married, but she became a Christian before she was divorced. She reminded me that when a wedding happens or a marriage ends, it is not just the legal transaction the papers indicate. There is a huge spiritual aspect to the joining of two people. Scripture in Genesis 2:24 tells us that God as he did in the Garden of Eden, will join the man and woman together and the two will become one flesh. This is not just a mere physical aspect, but a spiritual joining. There are wedding vows, solemn promises of faith and fidelity. At a wedding the two are made one with these vows. The two are to act as one. Supporting, living, and working together for common goals and purposes. The vows I took included a warning of sorts—”what God had placed together let no man put asunder”. Asunder is not a word we use regularly today meaning to separate apart. It is not simply to cut ties (legal contracts), but to place apart from each other. The one made of the two is pulled in two and placed apart. My husband and I were put asunder. We were pulled in two by divorce and placed apart. I had no husband. He had no wife. We no longer lived and worked as one.
The day I signed my divorce papers was beyond difficult. He had signed them a couple of days earlier—before he boarded a plane headed to another country. I saw his signatures, while sitting in a conference room by myself after the legal aid gave me the file and instructions, My heart was so heavy. I realized I was giving my consent for the union to be put asunder. It was not what I had ever envisioned nor what I ever thought I would do. Even though our past difficulties, I never truly considered this. I had been committed, yet I found myself sitting at a conference table with the documents containing our names and his signatures. With tears I worked hard to swallow, I picked up the blue ink pen, signed my name, and officially relinquished my commitment. It was the needed action at the time. It was devastating. I called my friend who did all she could to support me.
There was another difficult day about a month later. The day the judge signed the forms we had already signed and I received them. Opening that email and seeing all of the signatures was a complete punch to the solar plexus. I literally bent over as if struck. The tears flowed yet again. We were now officially put asunder. My other half, although physically removed for many weeks, was now spiritually removed. I was not completely prepared for that. I was prepared for an emotional reaction, but was not prepared for the spiritual. I felt literally torn. I was bereft again. I emailed him copies with the single line, “I did not believe my heart could be broken any more than it was. I was wrong.” That was truly how I was feeling. He did not answer. I had a new understanding of King David in Psalms singing that tears were his food night and day (Psalm 42:3).
That time was a very difficult part of the journey for me. There were no quick resolutions nor easy fixes for my pain and grief. I learned grief is a process journey. One I am still on today over 2 years later. Working through that process and I realized several more truths about God and my marriage. I believe God was with us and shared in our love and joy at the wedding. I do believe He put us together and was pleased with our commitment. He also shared in the heartbreak and grief of the events that let to and the completion of our divorce. Yes, I think He fully knew of the choices that would be made. He is omniscient and knew where we would end. God gave us the ability to make choices—good and bad. It is part of our free will. We make the choices and reap the consequences and rewards of those choices accordingly. He knew on the wedding day that we would be put asunder. He also knew we would have the love, laughter, beautiful daughter, good works together, and all the other good things that resulted of our marriage. I have needed to work on my responses to all that has occurred. I have had to deal with my anger, shame, hurt, betrayal, depression, and other wide assortment of response. I have tried to keep my choices in accordance to what God would have. Ultimately, the rewards we reap are those provided when we choose follow Him. It has not been natural, easy, nor always pleasant. At times I wanted to rage, I had to choose to give. At times I wanted to lash out, I had to choose to let go. It is easier now than it was 18 months ago. It is easier now than it was a year ago. It will be easier 6 months from now. I am still on the journey. I have faith that He does know my future. I have faith that He holds my future whatever it may contain. I have faith that He will guide me though that future with rewards as I ask Him to guide my choices. Time will reveal where He has led me in another 26 years. I am confident He will be with me each step of the way.