Month: September 2020

Waiting it something we all must do.  Unfortunately, it’s not associated with pleasure. The term waiting room brings connotations of uncomfortable chairs and stress as one waits to see a doctor. Worse yet is the family waiting to hear news about a loved one’s conditioner outcome. 

Perhaps the most notorious waiting is at the motor vehicle license branches.  It is the home of the “take a ticket, take a seat”.  You just hope your ticket is not 100 and they are serving number 68.  Is there ever a time that place is not busy and one does not have to sit in those ridiculously uncomfortable chairs? 

Even in fun places like amusement parks have us waiting in line for the activities. Sometimes the wait is hours long and seems to never end.  Parks have tried to circumvent the waiting by selling passes for a premium price which permits a person to have no or less wait time.  Needless to say the parks are making a fortune.  

No one seems happy while waiting. It’s a rarity in a waiting room for people to laugh and converse with others waiting. Even in that amusement park ride line, most are not happy.  Children are usually whining and restless. Tired Parent are trying to placate and entertain the little ones while heat and sun take a toll on sunburnt vacationers. Waiting is certainly not my happy place.  

Waiting requires patience and sometimes self control.  It is a goal oriented activity.  I want to ride that ride for bragging rights, so I waited.  I need to see my doctor or renew that license, so I wait.  It is a choice to wait.  We choose to wait to receive the desired outcome.  It is never cool to say “No, Man the ride lines were too long, I didn’t ride it”. I could go to an immediate  care center, but I will not see my physician who knows me and my history.  I could risk getting pulled over and receiving a ticket if I leave now instead of renewing the license.  I have choices to make, if I desire a specific outcome. Will I be goal directed or look for another way out?  

Have you ever heard of Abraham and Sarah?  Talk about waiting.  Abraham was promised to be the father of a nation.  His descendants would be like the dust of the earth (Genesis 13:16) or as many as the stars in the night sky (Genesis 15:5).  What an amazing promise God made to Abraham.  To be the father of a nation and to have a family that would multiply greatly.  What a huge calling.  Abraham was amazed, but told God there was just one problem.  Abraham had no children.  None at all, at 70+ years old.  God continued and promised Abraham he would have a child.  His line would be the one to increase as promised.  Genesis 15:6 states “And Abram believed the Lord…..”  That is the key.  Abraham (he was called Abram at the time) believed God to be true too is word.  He had faith God would bring it all to pass.  This does not mean he did not waiver in the promise.  In Genesis 15 Abraham also asks for a sign that God will do as He promised.  God did not become upset and instead gave Abraham that sign.  Abraham believed.     

Fast forward a few years and guess what had happened?  You got it, absolutely NOTHING.  Day to day life went on without any changes.  There were no children born.  Abraham was around age 81 by now and his wife Sarah was about 71.  Sarah became certain God had forgotten them and the promise He made. She was tired of waiting. Not only was she tired of waiting, but the situation was becoming quite impossible. God must have another way He wanted them to use to gain this promised child.  She decided she needed to do something.  You know, kind of help God out.  In other words she went from tired of waiting to completely impatient.  She did not see the answer coming and began to make the plan her own way.  She approached Abraham about using her servant, Hagar, as a means to gain them a child.  I am sure she reasoned “After all it would still be Abrahams child.”  Surely God, must intended to do it that way as Sarah could not have a baby at her age.  She  convinced herself and even Abraham that God must want it this way.  She began to believe they had misunderstood God’s intent.  It was common in that time for men to have children with concubines, so that must be what God wanted, right?   

Are  you seeing that she forgot one crucial conversation?  She forgot to ask God what He wanted and what He intended. No where in the scripture does it say Sarah prayed or sought God on what to do about Abraham’s descendants.  I am sure Sarah was a woman who believed.  She had seen God move in so many ways before this.  Sarah was only human. Doubt, fear, and her desire for a child began to weigh heavy on her heart.  One of her descendants even wrote in Proverbs 30: 15-16 that a barren womb is one of the things in the world that cannot be satisfied.  Sarah was distraught.  She felt her time had passed and God had forgotten her.  She saw menopause come and go.  She felt all of the changes that happen as time ravages the female body.  Becoming pregnant was not a possibility in her reality.  It quite literally was not physically possible.  So……there must be another way God intended for this all to go down. She just forgot to ask Him.     

I do not have all the answers for why we frequently have to wait on God.  I learned at an early age, that it can be a time of God putting the pieces into place to make the outcome more than I could dream.  I was 17 and had my first job.  I so wanted a car.  Mind you, my job was in easy walking distance from my home.  I had access to my parent’s car for trips I needed and even wanted to make.  I did not really need a car, but boy, did I want one.  I found one in the paper and tried like everything to get my dad to loan me the funds to purchase it.  He said no.  I prayed and Dad still said no and explained that the care most likely had significant problems.  a few months later, I saw THE CAR at a used car lot.  Every time we went by I was so happy to see it still there with the price on the windshield.  Sadly, it was way out of my price range. I was going to save like crazy to buy it.  One day we went by and it was not there.  My car was gone!  I was so frustrated.  God new I wanted that car.  What had happened?  My insult was added to when I found out the older cousin of my best friend had purchased it.  The cousin even drove that thing to church. UGH!!  I ride in with my parents and there sits my car in the church parking lot!  I really had to work on envy, forgiveness, and faith.  I was talking to my mother about it and in my frustration said “Well, if God wants me to have a car I guess He will just need to bring it to the front of the house.”  

Over the course of several months multiple things happened.  My financial situation began to change.  I had money come to me on a monthly basis that I had no idea would be there.  My parents had me put it all into my savings account.  My supposed summer/fall job continued past the date I thought it would end.  I now had a steady part time job and worked all though my senior year.  My friend was gifted his grandmother’s car.  We rode to school together, which let me sleep in some when I worked.  I found out my dream car had been sold from dealer lot that sold a large number of salvaged cars.  Those are cars that had been wrecked, declared total losses, and rebuilt.  My dream car looked great, but had a lot of problems. My friend’s cousin wished she had not purchased it.   

In May just before graduation, I came home to see a different car sitting at my house.  It was not one I recognized.  Unknown to me my dad’s friend, knowing I was preparing to go to a commuter college, had started car shopping for me.  My dad was in poor health at the time and the friend had stepped in to fill his role.  He had gone to a reputable dealer and asked for them to let him know when a car with certain specs came in.  The result was the car sitting in front of my house.  It was just as I had said God would need to do. I can only imagine how God chuckled when I saw that car and realized what it was.  Impatient, tired of waiting, 17 yr old me did not know all that God would do to meet my need for a car.  God had put it all in place in His time.  The car was a trade in that had never been wrecked nor had mechanical problems.  I had sufficient funds in the bank to pay for it.  It was a model I could afford insurance to cover.  It got good gas milage for the time. It was perfect for me.  This was a great car that carried me though 4 1/2 years of college and the first couple of years of marriage. God put His perfect plan into place in His time and the outcome was more than I had ever planned.  

Was this why God had Abraham and Sarah wait?   Did He have things He wanted in place to ensure their child and descendants were going to have all they needed?   Was it a test of faith to trust Him to bring it to pass?  I do not claim to have all the answers.  I do know that when we are waiting we are to not be like Sarah.  We are to continue to follow in what God has set before us.  We are to continue to have faith that He can and will meet the need in the face of what seems like impossibility. Holding on to that faith and waiting can be so very hard to do.  Like with Sarah the enemy will bring those doubts, fears, irritations, and emotions into the mix.  We need to hold to what we have been told.   We need to hold onto the promises we have been given. We definitely need to talk to God during this time and let Him refresh our faith and strength.  

I have often wondered what the world would be like had Sarah chosen to hold on to what God had given her instead of finding her own way.  Abraham did become the father of nations—plural.  Both of his sons inherited the promise to become many and great.  Unfortunately, the battle between the sons began early and continues in their descendants to this day.  Perhaps that is the question we need to ask when those doubts and fears come in.  What will my life be like if I do not trust God to bring the promises He has given?  Will I be where I need to be in few years if I do my own thing now?   Will God still bring His will to reality, but my life be more difficult or less satisfying than it needed to be?  What do I need to work on or what is God showing me during this waiting?  These are good questions for the waiting times.  I pray you have the faith and courage to choose to wait on God to move in His time.   Hold on to Ecclesiastes 3:11 while you wait.  “He has made everything beautiful for its own time.  He has planted eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end.” (NLT)  

Green is a favorite color.  My living and dining rooms are green based now. My bedroom was previously.  I have several shades of green in my wardrobe.  It can be warm and comforting.  It can be cool and serene.  It can shock and nearly blind you if you are old enough to recall the 1980’s.  It can also destroy. Of course, now I refer the shade of green that is ultimately ugly on everyone—the shade of jealousy.   

Webster defines jealous as “hostile toward a rival or one believed to have an advantage; intolerant of rivalry or unfaithfulness; disposed to suspect rivalry or unfaithfulness; vigilant in guarding a possession.”  Hostile. Intolerant. Suspicious. Guarding.  None of those bring pleasant connotations nor indicate security.  The words paint insecurity in broad powerful strokes.  Hostile toward another who is perhaps better.  Intolerant of another who has the advantage.  Suspicious or untrusting of another who has what you want.  Guarding of what you have.   Jealousy is grown in the soil of insecurity based on a comparison.  One compares the other with oneself to reach the conclusion the other has more and better,  is undeserving of having what they have received, or will be able to take yours away from you. It grows best when watered with feeling entitled to and then slighted by not receiving the desired reward.  It is a terrible weed in the heart’s garden.  It is much like crab grass.  It is tenacious and difficult to clear out.  The best way is with “pre emergent” treatments.  For the non gardening folks that means you remove it before you ever see any growth.  It is treated before it has a chance to sprout and take root.  The seed is destroyed before it can germinate.  The tender young plant is removed before it can send out sustaining and propagating roots.  

We have established jealousy is ugly, but if so, why is jealousy such a problem?   We need to go back to the beginning  to locate the first jealousy.   In Genesis 4 we find Cain was jealous of God’s acceptance of Abel’s offerings. Able had brought God the best and first of is flock with an attitude of honor toward God.  Able loved God and freely showed it with all he did and gave.  God was so pleased with Able expression of love and worship.  Cain in juxtaposition brought “some” of the harvest of his fields.  He did not give God his best nor do it with the loving worshiping heart of his brother.  Cain may have loved God, but he did not have the same relationship with God that Able had.  Seeing God’s response to his brother’s gift,  Cain became jealous.  Instead cultivating his  own relationship with God, Cain became jealous that Abel received God’s favor.  God even reached out to warned Cain to not let that reaction sit in his heart.  Cain again chose disregard God’s warning with terrible consequences. 

“ God spoke to Caine: ‘Why this tantrum?  Why this sulking? If you do well won’t you be accepted?  And if you don’t do well, sin is lying in wait for you, ready to pounce; it’s out to get you, you’ve got to master it’.  Cain had words with is brother.  They are out in the field; Cain came at Abel his brother and killed him.”   

Genesis 4: 6-8  The Message

Jealousy was the motive for the first murder.  God warned Cain to not let jealousy stay as it would become sin.  He warned it was waiting to pounce.  It was literally trying to take out both brothers.  One with physical death and one with spiritual death.  Interesting that that God told Cain he had the ability to master or control it.  In other words Cain had a choice.  He could have chosen to not let the jealousy stay and become sin.  I do not believe God would have told Cain to “master it” if it were not possible to do so.  It even looked promising as Cain was in the fields with his brother.  Perhaps the initial start to a conversation.  It said they had words.  Perhaps a discussion that went awry when the jealousy raised its head again.  Cain could have walked away to let his temper cool.  He could have talked it out later.  There was a choice.  Cain made a choice.  He chose to let the jealousy sit, take root, and become sin. Sin so great it begat murder. 

I met with my ex husband again.  Unusual circumstances caused me to be in possession of  something sent to me that should have been sent to him.  It was something important and prompted me to have to contact him.   We set up a meeting for the exchange.  I also gave him a couple of items from a box that had been mixed up in my belongings instead of going to him much earlier.  We met in a public parking place that Friday evening.  He arrived in a luxury model/priced SUV (last time it was an even higher priced luxury model sedan).  When he got out he had on a shirt from a trendy/popular restaurant located at some vacation spot.  He had an Apple watch on his wrist.  The diamonds in his wedding ring were flashing in the evening sun.  I kept telling myself to ignore all of this.  It did not matter.  It was not relevant nor important.  I honestly did not want an Apple watch.  I had been to the restaurant on vacation too and was not impressed.  I loved my new SUV that I bought on my own.  What did it matter what he had or did not have?  

Then he asked me if I was happy living in my house.   What?  I went off in my head.  What does that mean?  Why do you care? Why are you asking this when you asked it the last time we met.   Suddenly, it felt like he was knocking my home.   Like it was beneath him and where he would have chosen to live.  I chose my home because the house was a perfect fit for what I wanted and liked.  I did not want a large house with a huge yard.  I had that before and gave it up intentionally.  How dare he demean my choices?!?   I got it in check and told him the truth.  I love my house and am very happy there.  We finished our conversation peacefully as I never verbalized my thoughts to him.   I never made my noticing of his pricey possessions known.  I went on my way as did he.  

I began while abed to pray about the situation and asking God what I was supposed to glean from the meeting.  What was the reason for having to see him again?  Bridges had previously been burned and I thought that was that.  Outside of possible circumstances with our daughter, I had really not expected to see him again.  There must be a reason.  I heard nothing about it from Him.  I prayed off and on all the next day.  I felt restless and mulled over the conversation in my head most of the day.  I even had a dream about my ex the next night.  I woke slightly disturbed because I had been mad at him and expressed it in my dream.  I prayed  again asking “What does this all mean Lord?”  As I sat up on the side of the bed, I clearly heard God say “You are jealous.”  I immediately began to deny the possibility, when BAM! It hit me.  I was jealous.  I was jealous!  Where did  that come from?  How could that have started? 

It was a bit deflating to realize I had let that shade of green to develop.  I started to take stock and realized I was jealous of my ex’s apparent success in finance.   I had done the comparison and was certain I had received the bum end of the deal.  WOW!  I had hidden that one quite well from myself.   I had admitted previously my jealousy regarding the relationship/marriage he had.  I had worked on that from our first meeting and felt I had overcome that landmine.  How could I be jealous of my ex, when God had blessed me so incredibly abundantly in so many ways and from so many sources?   Truth? I was still angry that my ex had messed up our finances so much.  I was angry that I had worked all my life and had not reached the place I thought I would be.  I did not have the retirement account I thought I would have now.  I had to sell our previous home at a loss. I could still see the pittance sum in our savings and checking accounts when I did check on balances. Down deep I was still blaming him for a large part of all of this. Yet, despite this mess up, my ex seemed to have the outward appearance of being financially well off. It really was not fair.

Looking at the past from this new realization of anger and blame, I realized I was a lot like Cain. No, I did not want to kill anyone, but perhaps Cain did not either in the beginning. Like Cain, I was comparing. I was also forgetting, I had not done all I could and should have done to make what I wanted a reality.  I had let my ex manage our finances….alone.  I was not willing to sit down with him and do the work.  When I did see some warning signals, I chose to look the other way instead of investigate and manage. In truth, I held as much responsibility for the financial downfall of the marriage as my ex did. Ouch! That was a large, rough pill to swallow.  I was responsible.  I needed to accept that and let go of the blame game I had been playing.

I began to pray and repent.  I thanked God for all he had provided me and asked for forgiveness for forgetting His blessings.  I asked for forgiveness for not being a better manager of what I had been given in the past. I asked for forgiveness for comparing myself to my ex husband.  I chose to forgive my ex for his part in what happened to our finances.   I asked that no bitterness take root and that God bring healing to my heart in this area.  I asked him to make me a better financial manager with all he has given me now and would give in the future.  I even prayed God would bless my ex husband and his wife. 

I was reminded of the scripture where James and John asked Jesus to put them on his right and left in His kingdom.  When Peter heard the rumor of the request and realized it was true, he became angry.  Jesus reminded him, God chooses who will have which blessings and outcomes in life.  He essentially told Peter he would be a martyr (despite being the rock the church would be built upon) and John would live a long life (it was in exile on a work/prison island).  What did it matter to Peter what God chose to do with/for John?  Neither Peter nor John had the whole picture of what would happen in their lives. If Peter just concentrated on John living longer, it could have consumed him and completely derailed his vital ministry in the early church. It is the same for me.  What business is it of mine what God choses to give my ex-husband?  It is absolutely none of my business.  My business is to live my life and give God the praise He deserves for meeting my needs and blessing me.  I need to trust God to take care of it all and lead me in the path He has for me. I cannot compare myself to others and build my life on what they have or or are doing. I need to be like Peter here and let that go, following God for my life. I admit, that concept was a bit difficult to grab and really hold onto. For the next few weeks I continued to pray and try. After pulling out the first few weeds, the pre-emergent treatment began working.  Yes, I am certain it will need be applied again in other areas, but I know how and to whom to turn to make it successful.