When a relationship ends we often seek the why. I believe when infidelity causes the break this need to find the why is magnified. Why was there a need for another person? Why did he choose to do this? Why did he choose her? The real question is…Why wasn’t I enough? We look for faults and defects inside of ourselves that produced the behavior in the spouse. We become embroiled in all of the I was not thin, not pretty, not sexy, not successful, not providing and all of the other nots that can become mantras if we let them. We compare ourselves to the other person as if they were a mirror showing what we lack. We blame her for “stealing” the husband, when she did not cause the husband’s behavior. Fact: Jolene would not have stood a chance if the singer’s man did not have major issues inside of him. The truth is we will never find the root of a spouse’s behavior inside us. When a person chooses to be unfaithful, it honestly speaks way more about him/her than it does about his/her spouse. I repeat: Your husband/wife’s unfaithful behavior has so much more to do with him/her than it ever does with you.
I had a difficult time accepting this truth. I wanted to blame so many other things, situations, and events that were surrounding us in that four years. My absence from home, pressures of caring for my sister, my depression, my weight gain, my depression med side effects… my my my my. All things that were inside me. Those may have been some contributing catalysts, but those factors were not the cause of my ex husband’s behavior. That behavior had roots deeper and more prolific than any surrounding situation. Only when I began to realize this was a repeat offender situation, did I finally begin to accept the truth. The problem was not me. The problem was inside him. I had to accept that there was an inability to be faithful inside of him. I had to finally accept that it was not any specific thing I did. It was not anything that I did not do. It was something inside him that pushed him to fulfill a need. Looking at our situation, I began to realize he needed something that was only found in the early stages of a relationship. That is the reason he had so many emotional affairs. That is why the first several years of our marriage were really good. Whatever he was needing was being met, so things were good. He was good. When that need began to not be met, he began to look for other sources. This let to the affairs and the multiple affairs at the end of our marriage. To my knowledge he never identified nor dealt with whatever hurt or damage that was causing him to have such need. He never looked within to discover the source of the needs. He never sought to be healed. He just reached for another affair bandaid to patch the hole for a while.
Often times these hurts and damage that produce behaviors in adulthood occur through childhood events. It does not have to be overt abuse or exploitation that first comes to mind. Damage can occur with seemingly smaller events that send definite messages. We can even have had decent parents and fairly stable upbringing. It may not have been realized at the time by the perpetrator as a hurting or damaging event. Unfortunately the damage happens and, if not healed, sets a pattern of beliefs and responses for us that can perpetuate our entire lives. In 2 Corinthians 10:3-5 the Apostle Paul talks about these strongholds as human reasoning and false arguments that keep us from knowing God.
“We are human, but we do not wage war as humans do. We use God’s mighty weapons, not worldly weapons to knock down the strongholds of human reasoning and to destroy false arguments. We destroy every proud obstacle that keeps people from knowing God.” 2 Corinthians 10:3-5 NLT
The beliefs we develop because of these injuries and damage are based on human reasoning and not truth. They actually keep us form knowing the truth of God. We believe the lie that comes with the damage and not what God says of us. Fortunately we are given “mighty weapons” as Paul describes to knock down these strongholds and destroy the false arguments. Paul does not use battle language lightly here. It is a battle. It takes place in the mind, but it is a war we must fight daily in order to win. Scripture, prayer, and renewing our minds are what must be used daily to defeat these strongholds and false arguments.
My dad was a decent guy, but not a good dad in many ways. Part of that was because of the damage he had suffered at the hands of his parents. I see that now, but as a child and young adult that was not so apparent. In 4th grade I brought home a report card with straight A’s and one B- in penmanship. When Dad saw the card his only comment was that I had better not let the B- slid any lower. That was it. No comments on the other subjects I had excelled in. No accolades for hard work and study. I was so hurt, but thought to myself, he was right. I needed to do better. The message I received was that other excellence was expected. I worked on penmanship and cursive writing. My handwriting became much more legible and I raised my grade.
To be honest I do not recall my dad looking at my report card again until the 6th grade. I brought home straight A’s across the board. I was in the highest reading/language and math classes my school offered. I was doing 8th and 9th grade math in the 6th grade. I was reading at a post high school level. I was certain he would be proud of my accomplishments. I handed him the report card at the dinner table and awaited his proud response. He looked at the card front to back and laid it down on the table between us. He did not say a single word about the grades, the class levels, the hard work, the weather, the food, the sky, nor anything else. He did not speak for the rest of the meal. Shortly after I asked to be excused and went to the furthest point in the house from the dining room to cry. I was crushed. I had worked so hard and been very successful, but he refused to acknowledge my accomplishments.
Most kids would have rebelled and chosen a why try attitude. Grades would have crashed and other behaviors ensued. I chose an “I’ll show him” attitude and my stronghold was born. I chose to continue to excel in whatever I did no matter what he did or did not say. I decided I did not need his approval nor support for anything. I would do it on my own and for myself. It was a pivotal moment in my life that my dad was completely unaware he had spurred. It set me on a course of success, but at a great cost. See, I really did want my dad’s approval. I really did want to hear my dad say he was proud. I carried a constant fear that I was not enough. I was constantly looking to improve and prove I was enough. I pushed myself everywhere. College, work, and marriage, were all influenced by this drive. It led to anxiety, fear, depression, trust issues, and a myriad of other angsts. Unfortunately, my dad never did say he was proud of what I had done or become. He passed away when I was 22 years old without my ever hearing him say the words I so wanted to hear.
I carried that constantly seeking his approval in me for nearly another decade. It influenced my relationship with my husband and even with my heavenly Father, God. I was going through counseling at the time of my ex-husband’s first affair when the issues with my dad were raised. It was the feeling of never being enough rooted in me that needed to be healed. It was at that time, I first began to heal from the damage encountered at age 11. Talking with my mother about the counseling some years later, she told me Dad told others how proud of me he was. He bragged on my accomplishments to friends and neighbors. During his last couple of years, he even told the nurses during his recurrent hospitalizations. Often it would be just after I would leave from visiting. He just never told me. Mother did not know why he chose not to share his feelings with me. Perhaps my continued successes made me appear to not need it. It was good to know, even exo facto, Dad was proud of me.
Several years after his death, I found a packet of letters my dad’s family has written to him during Army boot camp and the early years of WWII. He had kept all of the letters in a box for 40+ years. In those letters from his dad and mother, none contained one single line of encouragement or pride in what their son was doing. Home life were shared and warnings to not become involved in sinful activities were prevalent in those lines . There were requests to remain safe. There were no lines that spoke of my dad voluntarily enlisting to serve his country. There were no statements of parental pride in their son’s endeavors or accomplishments. It was only then did I realize how my dad had suffered what I had. He was never shown parental pride. He was expected to reach that high set bar without encouragement or accolades. My dad had never received parental encouragement. He never learned to give it. I realized my dad had damage too.
I do not know what happened to my ex-husband that produced the needs which caused him to seek others. He never shared that with me. After the first affair, I thought with counseling, prayer, and the inner work he had healed just as I had started to with my damage experiences. I thought we were set. I do not know what he needed nor why it came around again and again. I do know it was not something lacking in me that caused him to seek someone else. I know it was not something I did. I know it was not something I did not do. I know he was seeking something to fill a void which damage had left in his life. He was believing a human argument and following a stronghold. I also know he was looking in the wrong places to fill that void. He was looking for another person to fulfill that need. He was not looking within to find the problem. I know as long as he continues to follow that practice—that stronghold—he will not be successful in meeting the need nor receiving healing. I know he needs to seek healing from the One that is able to repair his damage. It is the same one that gives us the power to knock down strongholds and destroy human arguments. I can say with all honesty, that I hope one day he can. I hope one day he can fully receive the healing he needs. It took a long time for me to come to that. I too had to heal.