Month: April 2020

A recent comment on the blog site caused me to realize something was missing on the blog. The comment agreed with my writing about the lack of social rituals to bring comfort and support surrounding a divorce. Without those societal rituals and practices, we are left to find our own individual way through a difficult time. I walked out of the attorney’s office and thought “Now what do I do?”  The blog comment made me consider what resources did I use to make it through that dark time?  Taking inventory I realized there were several I was blessed to locate and utilize.  I listened and listened again to the videos.  I read and reread many the books.  I researched some other writings and teachings from the authors and speakers I was drawn to.  It may not have been specifically for divorce, but many of the teachings were applicable to my grief and hurt.   Where else dose one look for these things?  Yes, I began with internet searches.    

 My first inclination was to find a divorce support group. It made sense to meet and talk with others in similar situations.  I reside in a bedroom community of a larger city. I wanted to find a church based support group.  I began looking on line and at several local churches’ websites.  I was about to be surprised.  I found two church based divorce support groups for nearly 700,000 people.  TWO!  One met during the day which made it impossible for me to attend while working. The other had a definite beginning and end date and followed a specific program. It cycled through the church calendar two to three times a year. It would not be available again for several months as it was mid cycle when I learned of it.   Someone had recommended I could attend a hospice support group for grief, but that did not seem to be quite what I was looking for. Death and divorce are quite different.  (I have nothing against hospice. Working in the medical community I fully support hospice and the work that they do.)  Other non-church-based divorce groups were also quite scarce. The couple of meetings I found appeared to be more of a fresh meat market—A.K.A.  Tinder in person.  I needed a place to learn to heal, not to make a huge mistake.  I quickly realized divorce support groups were not going to be possible for me.  I encourage you to look for what is available for you in your area.  If that is what you need, I pray you find a different situation than I did.   

I chose to find a personal counselor.  I have already spent quite a bit of time writing about the way counseling helped me. I am a great advocate for sound Christian counseling.  As huge a boon  as it was for me it was not a stand alone healing source.  A weekly one hour counseling session was not going to heal me.  Even multiple sessions a month would not provide sufficient work to complete this healing. Yes, I said work. It is work to tear out old and repair or even replace with new.  Dressing changes take supplies and effort.  I realized early that I needed to put in both if I was going to fully recover.  The work in the counseling sessions was very good, but the work outside the counseling sessions I believe is what brought the most change.  I had to spend time considering, managing, and dealing with all of those hurts wounds and emotions we discussed during the session.  I needed  supplies to complete these dressing changes.  I needed some skills I did not really have.  I researched, asked others, and found some wonderful supplies and tools.  Some of the tools that I used we’re books written by those who had walked a similar path before.  A few  were conversations with friends and loved ones who had been where I was. Some were EMDR sessions with a certified therapist.  Others were videos available through church ministries and even YouTube. Below is a list of some of my favorite tools.  

Of all the tools I used, I am certain prayer and discussions with God were the most effective in my healing. I had to go see that perfect judge several times to pour out my heart cases one by one. Sometimes I would run in there to bring an additional charge to previous leveled charges.  Each time I was allowed to be as dramatically loud or whisper quiet as I needed to be. Each time He heard me.  Each time He permitted me to empty my hurts. Each time He was so patient and kind.  Each time He let me know how very much He loved me.  I also had to work so hard to leave everything there when I left the judge’s court room. It was after these times He would speak.  A certain song on the radio, a Christian meme on a social media posting, a scripture during devotionals, a still small voice directing me to know He heard and was answering.   The quiet reassurance that He had me and I needed to rest in Him.  

Even when some one is recuperating there is a process going on.   Aware of it or not there is work being done.  Let me say it was WORK.  Some of it was exhausting work I was fully engaged in.  There were times I did not want to do the work.  I was so tired of crying.  I was so tired of dealing with all of the hurts and wounds.  I was so tired of not feeling like I was moving forward.  I was so tired of not feeling whole.  I was so tired of this consuming my life.  Some times I just sat down.  I could take no more.  Netflix became a great comfort and escape during those times.  A weekend trip with my family and/or friends to get away was a relief.   I needed time away to rest and refocus.  Whether I was aware of it or not,  there was work being done at those times too.  After resting I would  I knew I had to get back up again.  I had to complete the healing work process to prevent the bitterness and anger from taking me over.  Sometimes it was so difficult.  It would have been so easy to just give in to the sluggishness.  Some days it still can be.  Some days I had to just take a deep breath, pray, and push on.  It was truly a “no pain,  no gain” situation. 

During the process, I would become so frustrated and impatient. I would develop a case of the “shoulds”  I should have known.  I should be “better now.”  I should not have to still be dealing with this memory, response, or emotion again.  I should…I should…I should.  Each I should was a striking blow to my self.  I would beat myself up so needlessly.  I would become my own worst enemy.  There is no ‘should’ in recovery.  There is only ‘here is where I am and here is what is before me’.  Sometimes the picture we see is pretty ugly.  Sometimes it is the same picture we have seen several times before.  Sometimes the picture is distorted and needs refocused that need.  Sometimes the picture is so jumbled it appears it never be sorted.  It takes the time.  It takes time to process and deal with the wounds.  There are no short cuts.  We have all heard the joke about the person who finishes all the steps of a 12 steps of a program in a week.  If it were only that easy we would not live a world full of hurt, damaged people.  In truth, the work takes time.  How long?  It takes as long as it takes. 

Surgical wounds take maybe six weeks to heal in nice linear scars if everything goes perfectly. Complications may arise that require more time.  There can be post surgical fluid formations that impede healing.  These require a reopening of the incision and draining.  Infections can set in causing red, painful areas that require antibiotics. The body goes into fight mode and healing is delayed until the infection is gone.  The person may not have the metabolic/nutritional status to support wound healing .  Nutrient support must be restored for the healing to even begin. Some wounds cannot be closed in nice lines and need to heal from the base up. These deeper, wider wounds require packing and protection to allow healing to begin.  It takes even more time.   All of these  wounds heal at their own rate and timing.  Becoming frustrated  and  smacking the wound around, does nothing to bring healing.  In fact those actions will bring more damage and make existing fragile healed areas damaged.  Patience is required.  Be patient with yourself.  Be kind to yourself.  Give yourself the time you need to heal.  Patience is not being stuck. 

Over a year ago, during a counseling session I admitted a huge case of shoulds and expressed my frustration for not feeling like I was ever going to be free of the hurt.  My counselor told me “One day you will wake up and realize it is all done.”  He then smiled and said, “but not today.”   Honestly, I thought the man was nuts and just repeating some nice psychological platitude.  I so could not see that healing coming to completion .  For me the intense part was a two and half year process of counseling to learn, to work, to heal.  He was right I did wake one day and realize how far I had come.  I still had some healing to do to be back to 100%, but at this time I am able to use the tools I gained to continue the process.  The wound did not hurt as much.  There was significant healing,  It had happened.  Having patience with myself was not being stuck.  

Below I list some of the resources that I utilized specifically. Disclosure: I have absolutely no financial ties to any of the resources or persons listed.  I receive nothing if you choose to purchase or use them.  I do not personally know nor have any ties to the authors/speakers.  My only goal is to aid you and maybe save you a little time. I urge to reach out and find your support system.  Find tools and resources to help you work and heal. 

YouTube Videos

Dr. Henry Cloud: Necessary Endings–Multiple videos from 2018—he has posted some updates since then 

Jimmy Evan: The Hurt Pocket series–Videos from 2015

Books

Evans, Jimmy,  “When Life Hurts: Finding Hope and Healing From the Pain You Carry”, Baker Books, Baker Publishing Group, Grand Rapids, MI, 2013

Evan, Tony, “Divorce and Remarriage”, Moody Publishers, Chicago, IL, 2012

West, Kari & Quinn, Noelle, “When He Leaves”, Harvest House Publishers, Eugene, OR, 1998.

Gire, Ken, “Life As We Would Want It…Life As We Are Given It”, W Publishing Group, a Division of Thomas Nelson, Inc. Nashville TN, 2006

Rothschild, Jennifer, “Psalm 23 The Shepherd With Me”, LifeWay Press, Nashville, TN 2018.

Change: to make, to become different.   How many times has my life changed?  How many times has my life become different.  Some were changes I wanted and worked toward—Graduations, new jobs, the birth of a child. Pleasant yet definite changes.  Other changes  were thrust upon me— the death of a family member, a loss of a friendship, an illness. Painful times of change.  All changes good or bad bring levels of stress as we try to find a new way to function in and after the change.  We have the Holmes-Rahe Stress Inventory to measure the stress weight of those changes in our lives.  The death of a spouse is listed as number one.  Divorce is number two.  Marital separation, detention in jail, and death of a close family member rounds out the top 5 most stressful life events.  Death and separation are huge stress factors for we humans.  Interesting that those are the same factors that stress us spiritually: Death in sin and separation from God.  I digress…

Divorce is a completely different change. It is one I had never experienced.  I had never walked beside a loved one going through it.  I had absolutely no knowledge of how it changes everything. I had my share of unwanted, and even unpleasant changes.  I have had people come into my life for seasons, who left when that season was over.   I had experienced the death of a dad and a mother-in-law and loss of foundational supports those deaths bring.  I have experienced loss of a career and the need to change trajectories to start again.  I have experienced uncertain change in illness and surgery accompanied by the changes necessary for recovery.  Painful and difficult as each may have been, none of those changes prepared me for the change of divorce. It happens so frequently in our society, I believe we have universally forgotten the stress weight divorce wields.  We have forgotten it is ranked number two on the scale for a reason.  Similar, yet so unlike a death, divorce changes everything.

After having been married for so long, being divorced was such a new and strange place to be.  There were times I felt it to be an almost physical change that others could see. I often felt the equivalent of a 12 year old girl sure everyone was looking at her as she enters the mall.  I was certain they just knew the other half of me was missing.  As unrealistic as it sounds, it was how I felt.  I was certain there was no need to embroidery a crimson D on my chest. It was already clearly visible.  

There was little being divorced did not influence.  Conversations with people was one of the worst to learn to navigate.  I was in a new church meeting new people.  I would think of something to share in conversation, but my stories often included my ex husband.  This caused two problems.  First, did I really want to remember and talk of him?  Secondly, if I mentioned him there was usually an expectant look of  “Where is he?”  Then came the “Well…. we are divorced” statements accompanied by looks of “Oh” and “Well” that followed.  (People do not say “I’m sorry” to divorce news like they do with a death.  Are they afraid the person is happy s/he is divorced? I do not know.)  For me it became easier to engage in superficial conversations.  The weather was a safe topic.  Living in a small town, I was frequently running into common acquaintances that did not know about the divorce.  My favorite Chinese restaurant owner, my preferred bank teller and branch manager, the mutual friends/coworkers I ran into at the grocery, all asked about my ex.  I ultimately would feel the obligation to inform them.  I just could not seem to say “he’s fine” and move on.  That was a lie, because I did not know how he was.  Besides I was still having days I wished he was not fine.  (Remember forgiveness is a process.) There were times “I am divorced!”  seemed to be what I needed to shout when I entered somewhere.  Fortunately, I did not go there.  I settled for the one on one information sessions. It  became easier to shop, eat, and bank elsewhere.  More and more changes…

The change of divorce left me alone, but it did not evoke the sympathy from others that a death does.  Many were surprised, some even shocked, but few were specifically sympathetic. They were the ones who had been divorced. I believe the lack of sympathy is the result of us wanting to blame someone for a divorce.  Someone did something wrong that brought the marriage to an end.  There is always speculation on the why and who did what.  How many times have we heard of a divorce only to recount the time we saw the neighbor couple arguing, or thought s/he was being too friendly with that other person?   We cannot exactly blame someone for dying of a heart attack, now can we? 

We have a process for a death.  There are newspaper and internet obituaries to spread the word. There are church, funeral home, ash spreading, and/or graveside services.  There are stones chosen , engraved, and set for memorial.  There are no social processes for a divorce.  There are no specified times of gathering for support.  There is only signing papers in an attorney’s office. Court proceedings occur if things are ugly.  There is no laying the relationship to rest.  No memorial stones were lain for the previous love and 27 years.   

Divorce was not like death in that the other person did not have a choice if the heart attack occurred.  My ex husband did have a choice.  He made a choice to say he wanted a divorce.  I lamented one day in therapy that the situation would have been easier for me in some ways, if my ex-husband had physically died and not simply chosen to move on. (No, I did not want him dead.) It was simply the fact, that I knew how to deal with a death.  I knew how to cope and get through the funeral and church dinner. I knew how to manage and process the grieving of a death.  I did not know how to deal with a divorce.  I did not know how to manage the grief plus the anger, resentment, hurt, rejection and at times despair that impaled my life. I did not know how to navigate these uncharted waters to move on. 

When a loved one passes, they exist no more on this plane.  There is a finality to it, lightened by the hope of being reunited in heaven.  Divorce is so different because the other person is still here in this plane—alive and moving on.  This knowledge was so burdensome for me to live within. The knowing my ex-husband was still living, but without me. He was starting a new life, but without me. He was seemingly moving on quite successfully, but without me. Unlike the promise of heaven, there was no future silver lining I could look forward to finding.  

I was left alone to deal with the physical and emotional aftermath of his exit. He was on a grand adventure, while I was selling wedding rings to assist my daughter in paying her tuition.  While he was visiting historical ruins and great museums, I was trying to find a good used car.  While he was seeing the lights along the River Thames, I was trying to change utility accounts to my name. While he was living with another woman, I was trying to obtain my life insurance beneficiary change forms.  I don’t list these events as anything more than facts. I have forgiven him, though forgiveness does not erase the events or reality of what occurred. It does not magically eliminate hurts. In my head and heart I had to deal with all of these facts and my responses to them.  

In Raw I write about some of my initial responses. These later responses are some of the additional wound dressing changes—painful and tedious dressing changes.  Times I had to choose to not let bitterness drift in and take root.  Times I had to find ways to let my anger out without becoming cynical and jaded.  Those methods included a few trees surrounded by shards of his favorite mugs and dishes.  It included verbal yelling out frustrations and fears into pillows.  It included multiple journal writing screaming sessions (I do have neighbors). It included talks with family and friends.  It included tears.  So many tears poured.  I was certain dehydration was a possibility.  It also included a great deal of prayer.  Praying for release from this pain. Praying to be healed.  Praying to feel whole again.  Praying to be at peace in my own heart.  Praying for God to just hold me and then surrendering to that embrace. 

 While praying one of these prayers, I had an image of myself as a toddler that was being held by someone standing, dressed in white robes.  I was, back arched, kicking and screaming as only a hurt, angry toddler can.  A child not understanding the situation. The one holding me was gentle, strong, firm, and patient as he continued to hold me.  He was also silent, letting me get it all out until there was no more.  When I was spent He continued to just hold me as I, slumped shouldered, rested my head on his shoulder.  

Rich Mullins wrote a wonderful song that so summed up where I was at that time.  

Hold Me Jesus

Sometimes my life just don’t make sense at all

When the mountains look so big, 

And my faith just seems so small

So hold me Jesus,

Cause I’m shaking like a leaf

You have been King of my Glory

Won’t you be my prince of peace

And I wake up in the night and feel the dark

It’s so hot inside my soul

I swear there must be blisters on my heart

So hold me Jesus,

Cause I’m shaking like a leaf

You have been King of my Glory

Won’t you be my prince of peace

Surrender don’t come natural to me

I’d rather fight you for something 

I don’t really want

Than take what you give that I need

And I’ve beat my head against so many walls

Now I’m falling down, I’m falling on my knees…

And the Salvation Army band is playing this hymn

And your grace rings out so deep

It makes my resistance seem so thin

So hold me Jesus,

Cause I’m shaking like a leaf

You have been King of my Glory

Won’t you be my prince of peace

You have been King of my Glory

Won’t you be my prince of peace

Source: LyricFind

Songwriters: Richard Mullins

Hold Me Jesus lyrics © Capitol Christian Music Group

I came to Christ at the tender age of eight.  I had been attending church with my sister, 11 yrs my senior.  She had developed an relationship with Christ, and was the one instrumental in bringing my parents back to God and me to Him for the first time.  We were attending a small country church where the minister ended each service with an  invitation for anyone wanting to be “saved” to come forward.  Even as a child I so wanted to go forward.  My heart would pound and I knew I should go.  I also felt like no one would take me seriously as I was a kid.  This seemed to be an adults only situation.  I did not speak to anyone about it.  I just kept thinking someday I would have the courage to do it.  

Come mid summer there was a revival.  It was the annual three nights of church services aimed at bringing as many as possible to Christ.  We had a special guest speaker and singers.  On the final night, church members were asked to take a pew and invite enough people to fill it.  My family, although attending, were not official members and were asked by another member to attend.  I believe there were some doubts about the status of my dad’s soul, so we counted.  He was only attending church sporadically at that time.  We were assigned to sit on the front row of the church.  Just prior to service starting an older lady had a heart attack and EMS was called.  Service was started after she was taken to the hospital by ambulance.  The invitation at the service end had a large number of responders never seen before in that church.  The entire wooden alter was completely surrounded by people on their knees.  Seeing mortality up close and personal will do that I suppose. What the situation and my front pew location did for me at age 8 was provide an easy access for kneeling at the alter unseen by the adults.  It was just a couple of steps and I was there.  I knelt and told God I wanted to be “saved”.  I immediately felt a hand on my shoulder and my dear 19 yr old sister was there praying for me.  She led me in a prayer admitting my sins and asking for God’s forgiveness.  I asked him to live in my heart and help me live my life for him.  Even at 8 yrs old I knew something wonderful had just happened.  I felt a lightness of spirit and soul alike none before.  It was not emotion of the moment.  It was not the fear of dying.  It was not the singing nor the sermon.  It was God calling me to be his.  I answered yes and He showed up.  Even the poison ivy on my arm was completely healed without my asking.  No rash— no itching.  I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt I had met God.  

I invite you to consider where you are right now.  Do you, reader have a relationship with God?  He so desires one with you.  He so much desires one that He sent His son to die on a cross so that he could have the opportunity to have that relationship.  (John 3:16)  Jesus willingly gave his life in order to have a life with you.  For Jesus did not stay in the grave, but defeated death and the powers of this world in order to guarantee you to a life in Him (Romans 5:10-11).  None of us were good enough to gain that life in Him without the sacrifice Jesus made. (Romans 3:23).  He just asks that you admit your need of him, otherwise known as you have sin that needs forgiven, desire a relationship with him, and accept Jesus as Lord of your life.  (Romans 10: 9-10).  Praying and believing those words will allow God to enter your life, forgive your sin, and begin a relationship with you.  (Romans 5: 1 and 8: 1).  This is a love that nothing can separate you from (Romans 8:38-39).  If you prayed that prayer let me be the first to welcome and congratulate you on the miracle of your new life! You are a child of God for praying those words. You are reconciled with your creator, perfect father, and savior who calls you by name and loves you beyond description!  I encourage you to visit YouVersion.com where you can download a free Bible (The Message version is a very easy reading translation.  On here I use the New Living Translation) There is also an app for some resources to begin reading about your new life in Christ.  I also recommend you connect with a local church to join with other believers who can help you in your new life in Christ.  There is no pastor or lay minister I know that would not be very happy to meet and speak with you about your new life in Christ.  

My childhood experience as real  It started a relationship with God that I still enjoy to this day.  The road has not always been smooth, but God as always been faithful   Now let us fast forward several decades one of these exceptionally rocky times.  As I said, I had lived a life as a Christian.  I had kept my relationship with God close.  I had worked in and for the church in many capacities.  I had grown in my belief and understanding of God.  I had been Spirit filled and led for the majority of my life.  So how does a decades long believer come to a crisis of faith?  For me it was anger and the desire for control.  You see, I had never really been angry at God.  I did not think one could  or even should be angry with God.  He is God right?  He is creator, savior, and a loving Father.  How could I consider being angry with Him?  Well I did.  I became very angry with God. 

You see I had two precious sisters.  My oldest sister, Debbie was 18 years older than I and unfortunately had a much more difficult life than I had.  She was the only child from my mother’s first marriage.  Debbie had the misfortune of being a baby that was to be what held a marriage together and as we know that usually does not work.  Her dad did not want to be married to our mother. He married her because of the pressure of his mother to settle down.  With the lack of desire to be a married family man,  it became apparent he did not want my sister.  It was evident in everything he did for the rest of his life.  I loathed him from the time I new of his existence for hurting my mother and sister.  I should have pitied him. That unfortunate man will never know the wonderful blessing he cast aside.   

Two years later my dad and his family entered my mother and sister’s lives.  He married my mother when my sister was nearly three.  In what should have been a wonderful family situation, Debbie suffered abuse of another kind.   Completely rejected by her dad and abused in a family that should have helped her heal from the rejection, Debbie was set for an emotionally difficult life.  She found God, her loving father, as an adult and lived what she believed.  She married out of high school, but had tumultuous relationship due to her past experiences with men in general.  The culture was one of covering family secrets not dealing with them.  Therapy was not prevalent in that time period, so she never was able to deal with the past hurts and emotional damage the way she needed to.  I am not saying Debbie did not have a good life or good times.  She had people that loved her, a nice house, a good job she like, newer car, friends, a church family, and at first glance an over all good life.  It was just a life where she always seemed to be working for something.  Like she aways expecting to be rejected.  She always felt inferior, not enough, not worthy…..   Growing up I didn’t to know all of her history.  I knew of her dad, but not the complete rejection.  I did not know about the abuse until I was an adult.  I just knew Debbie although appearing strong had a weakness and needed protecting.  

At age 65 my dear sister, who was only ever hospitalized to give birth, was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer.  It is a cancer with one of the lowest cure rates.  The difficulty is that is can be present in the body for years without symptoms.  Once the symptoms start, it is often too late for treatment to be successful.  She went in for surgery to remove the cancer, but with some early exploration was found to already have metastatic areas throughout her liver and colon.  The curative surgery turned to a palliative effort to permit her to eat for a while longer.  As  soon as the nurse came out to give the report of the metastatic disease I knew all of my prayers and those our family were not going to be answered the way we wanted.   Unless God chose to do a miraculous healing, my sister had just been given a medical death sentence.  It was one of the very few moments in my life I wished I did not have the medical field background and knowledge I had.  I heard the death bell ring.  This was something I could not protect her from nor cure.  I most certainly had lost control of the entire situation—like I ever had control of any of it to begin with.  I was struggling with Debbie’s diagnosis and my medial knowledge juxtaposed with my faith and desire for a miracle.  My experience that God could do and still does miracles.  the former tended to overshadow the latter.  She chose to attempt to fight the cancer and when able began chemotherapy.  I was the only one that did not want her to do it because I knew it would not be successful  and would result in some terrible side effects.  Despite this I supported her in her desire and choice.   I prayed.  I prayed and prayed.  Every prayer chain that existed in the area had her name on it.  Every praying person I knew was asked to pray.  The chemo did not work.  The miraculous physical healing did not come.  For the next eight months I, along with my family had to watch a physically strong woman wither into near nothingness.  She was in pain.  She was nauseated.  She vomited.  She lost her hair.  She was a shadow of what she had been before. She was suffering.  I was not in control of any of it.  I could not fix any of it.  

I became so angry at God.  If He was not to going to heal her then why leave her here to suffer?  Why not take her in her sleep so that she could have the new body we are promised on the other side.  Why was she suffering so much for so long?   Why were new diagnoses of deep vein blood clots and a broken ankle from a fall being allowed?   Why was she suffering the humiliation of bed bathes and incontinence?  Why was my sister who had suffered so many insults and hurts in her life going through this too?   Why was she living this nightmare when she has tried so hard all her life to live what scripture taught?  These were the questions I asked.  One particular night even Debbie who had such grace during this whole ordeal asked for the first and only time I heard, “Why me?”  I had no answer,  but to cry with her.  Later that night after she was asleep I walked outside to scream at God under the stars.  I was angry and could not see Him there, because the situation was not what I thought was best.  We were supposed to have a miraculous healing.  We were supposed to be able to share with all those praying how God had answered those prayers with a healing that confounded the medical world.  She was not supposed to suffer this way.  The supposed to’s did not happen and I was very angry.  Despite my yelling there was not a lightening strike. I was left standing in the yard with the stars still twinkling.  This is where crisis of faith can happen.  It is where I yell at God from a back yard.  

I read the book “A Ring of Endless Light” by Madeleine L’Engle as a teen.  It was one of the last books she wrote and dealt with death in various fashions.  In it the grandfather tells the main character when she is struggling with a death that God can handle your anger.  I had never been angry with God.  I had never before wanted something so different from what He was doing.  It was difficult to seek him in my anger.  It was difficult to praise him in my anger.  I began pulling away.  Romans 8 talks of nothing being able to separate us from God’s love.  He never stopped loving me regardless of my anger.  He kept on loving me when I yelled.  He kept on loving me when I pulled back.  He kept on loving me when I was so sure I was right.  He kept loving me no matter how angry I was.  Ms. L’Engle was right.   God could handle my anger.  Even after Debbie did have a perfect healing on her way to heaven and she was buried I was angry.  It took time, but I was able to finally talk to God about it and come to terms with God being sovereign.  We live in a spiritual kingdom with the perfect king.  It is not a democracy where I get to vote.  Yes He is my father and wants to give me all I need for an abundant life.  Because He is omniscient He is able to see so much more than I can see.  He makes his choices on knowledge I do not have and most likely cannot comprehend.  I do not have to understand or even like what He chooses to do.  My job is to have faith and trust that He has the ability to see the big picture and know what is coming before I.  I was devastatingly surprised in a hospital waiting room, but God was not.  He had the whole situation in his hands.  I can speculate that maybe we needed the time for goodbyes.  Maybe Debbie needed the time.  Maybe Debbie needed to know how much we loved her as her sisters and daughters took shifts in days to take care of her. Maybe our bed baths, hand holding, cooking, and cleaning spoke volumes to her.  Maybe it made up for the times we did not or could not say words that should have been said before the end.  Maybe her husband needed time to come to terms with losing his wife.  Maybe her daughters needed just a little more time with their mother.  Maybe I needed the time to sit bedside my sister and watch HGTV making the last Valentines she would give her grandkids.  Maybe…… just maybe.   

I do believe God was there.  As I said Debbie faced all of this with such grace.  God had to be there.  She was not bitter.  She was not angry.  She was peaceful.  She amazed me in this.  I think that is how God touched and provided for her on this side.  Her passing was peaceful.  I was not able to be at her side at that moment, but all there said she attempted to sit up smiling at the foot of the bed.  She was assisted back to a lying position and still smiling breathed her last.  I know the God that I had asked to heal my sister did. He healed her completely with a new body and gave her a beautiful world without cancer or pain.  That same God then helped me through my anger and pain to a belief that He is there even when I cannot see him.  He is there when I do not understand.  He never stopped loving me.  Madeleine was right.  God can handle my anger.  

“Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed.  If one person falls the other can reach out and help.  but if someone who falls alone is in real trouble…..A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back to back and conquer.  Three are even better, for a triple-braided-cord is not easily broken”.  Ecclesiastes 9-12 NLT

“When Jesus woke up, he rebuked the wind and the raging waves.  Suddenly the storm stoped and all was calm.”  Luke 8: 25 NLT

So I found myself divorced. As I’ve said many times in other posts this is not where I had ever thought I would be.  Let me clarify that a bit. It’s not that I ever thought that I was too good to be divorced. It was not that my religion didn’t condone divorce. It was not that I believed every marriage is completely salvageable. The real reason I never thought I would be divorced is because I was committed to marriage. I was committed completely to my marriage. I spoke those vows very seriously. I would not have worked so hard on the relationship if I had not been so committed.  I would have not forgiven the other emotional affairs up to this point, if I had not been so committed. I believed we could be the couple that celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary. I was very proud of having been married 26 years. I fully planned on the “until death do us part” thing. 

In my line of work I am blessed to meet so many couples that have been married 50 and 60 plus years.  I had one 80+ year old tell me his wife  of 62 years could not go to sleep “without her kiss goodnight” while she blushed and nodded.  I always thought that was so sweet and romantic.  Although I still believe longevity love and marriage are to be celebrated greatly, I now have a bit of a different view.  I now wonder, what did they have to face together?  What did they work through?  What trial may have almost split them up?  What was the glue that caused them to stay married?  Love, definitely.  Commitment most assuredly.  Determination, you bet.  Humor, most necessary. The answer I believe is work.  Yes, that 4 lettered, most unromantic concept ever suggested is what kept them together.    

I’m not a real fan girl, but I do think one Hollywood mega star was spot on in his Oscar acceptance speech. In thanking is wife, he said that marriage is work. He then told his wife that there was no one else he would rather work with and thanked her for working with him. The media gave him such grief for talking about the work of marriage rather than some flowery ‘thanks for your support’ speech.  I even at that time thought it a bit odd.  Today, I completely understand what he was saying. It is a huge truth our society wants to ignore. I thought it was a wonderful complement to want to work with someone.  Marriage is work. Marriage is not flowers and love sonnets 24/7—that is a wedding.  A marriage takes work by two people to make the becoming “one flesh” thing happen successfully. It takes two people working to be partners, supporters, and teammates, to grow a beautiful oneness spoken of in Genesis 2:24.  

Unfortunately, not all weddings result in a real partnership to achieve that terrific oneness.  Yes, there are some days one will not be able to give the 100% needed.  The other gives the extra those days to make up the difference. Even scripture tells this is the case and to the benefit of both people. (Ecc 4:9)  There are great problems when only one person tries to work.  No one ever is able to constantly give everything it takes to make something work for two. For true success each person must work.  For great success they must work together.   

When the relationship reaches a point when one person has been working the most for the duration it is an imbalance that cannot be sustained.  The worker will become exhausted.  The relationship will suffer without the aid of the second person.  Yes for the last several years of my marriage I was the worker.  I was the one trying to make it work.  I am not saying if only. I cannot go there. It is a soul draining trap that will leave me dry and stuck in the past. I am however realizing that like so many things as complicated as a marriage it is never just one aspect, one event, or one choice that leads to the demise.  There was a process that let up the exhaustion and demise of the marriage. Just as in a perfect storm this require multiple different events to occur at a certain point in time, so does the events that lead to the demise of a marriage. We had a perfect storm. 

Our perfect storm had multiple fronts.  I had become angry with and stepped back from God. My ex husband had stepped very far away from God during the same time. I, after caring for my dying sister, was engulfed in grief and depression. I was dealing with an ill mother and trying to meet her needs as she transitioned to a nursing home permanently.  I was the focus of her anger, which deepened my depression and grief.  He was feeling the empty nest much more acutely than I.  He was believing a huge part of his life was over, not just evolving.  He felt less than successful having never really recovered emotionally nor financially from a severe career hit several years before.  He felt lost to his family of origin due to family dynamics and the passing of his dad.  I had been his sole support system as he had no male friends he confided in.  I was no longer able to fully support him, due to my emotional/mental state. I needed his support, but he was not accustomed to being the supporter.  Given his mental state he was not able to support me either.  Had he supported me, I most likely could have assisted supporting him.  At the core, we had somewhere along the way stopped working together.  We each tried to work through life’s trial and problems on our own.  We were no longer the team.  We were roommates and no longer partners.  We were not standing back to back to support and fight off the multiple areas of attack hitting us  (Ecclesiastes 4:12).  Yes, it was a perfect storm.  A perfect storm that led to the end of our marriage. 

What is most important to realize is Jesus is able to calm any storm—even perfect storms.  Luke 8:22-25 tells us of a physical storm he calmed and amazed his disciples.  He was able with his command to stop the gale winds and waves to bring complete calm.  Had my ex husband and I not allowed our relationships with God to wane so drastically I fully believe our marriage would have been able to survive the storm. We would have turned to the one that calmed storms and asked for his assistance.  Would our marriage have suffered damage?  Most likely. Would it have been repairable? Again most likely.  Would we have been devastation?  I believe not.  You see God makes the two one flesh.  He is the joiner, the molder, the ultimate glue to keep us together.  Without God in the marriage we were susceptible to the storm.

Scripture tells us in the same Ecclesiastes passage that a three cord braid is not easily broken. At our wedding we had forgotten to purchase the large candle for our unity candle lighting.  We chose, rather than try to find one the night before, to use one offered by the church from their supply closet.  It was the Christ candle from the previous Advent Season.   How truly appropriate was that?  At the time we married our unity candle represented that three braid cord with Christ!  When God is at the center of a marriage,  it is a strong three cord braid. Husband and wife work with Him and each other to be strongly supported.  Fast forward 24 years and my ex husband and I had pushed out the third cord in our marriage braid.  We were no longer strong.  Once the perfect storm started hitting we even stopped standing back to back to fight together.  We had allowed our selves to become two singles trying to fight.  Just as scripture states we were easily overcome.  The braid completely unraveled and we were bowled over by the perfect storm.  Separately we each came back to God.  I developed an even closer relationship with Him.  Unfortunately, it was too late to salvage the marriage shattered in the perfect storm.  

So I find myself filing for divorce. This most certainly was never what I had planned on doing. I was 26 years into a marriage that had its share of problems.  It also included some very good times. I do believe we were in love, but unfortunately we completely lost sight of that. It had happened before, but we were able to work our way through the issues to a degree that prevented divorce from being considered. We were able to find a way back to one another and that love. This time was different. This time there was a deeper more prolonged betrayal. The affairs started out as emotional. There was more than one concurrently. They went on for years not weeks.  The irony is he was not able to be true any of the women with whom he had relationships.  His online relationships knew of me, but not each other.  I did not know of them.  I do not know how he met the one chose to live with nor how he decided to take this one further than the others. I never really asked to honest.  I think the multiple and prolonged betrayal is what stung the most during the discovery phase, the searching for answers. It hurt deeply to realize he had been looking for someone on dating sites for nearly 2 years. It also hurt that he had been talking with his chosen one for less than 6 months when I discovered the affair.  He was leaving 26 yrs of marriage for a less than 6 month relationship.  In a way it was what also what made it easier to file for divorce. The betrayal was so lengthy, so deep, separation was only answer.   I admit that shortly after filing, I did question is that really what God wants? Did I jump the gun divorcing instead of just a legal separation?  I believe in my situation divorce was necessary. His moving to live with her was Biblical grounds, if you will, for divorce.  Is it what God really wanted to happen? No. We took vows including until death do us part and lived under the pronouncement let no man put asunder. God respected and was committed to those vows.  I fully committed to those vows and spoke them to God as much as to my ex husband. I think initially my ex husband did too. He just wasn’t able to keep his part of the promise.

Let me say here that if you are in a bad marriage, divorce may not be your answer.  Yes, I believe it was the answer for me in my situation.  If my ex husband had changed his mind before leaving the country, I most likely would have tried to work out our situation.  Great changes would have been necessary on both sides.  It would have required deep soul and spiritual work separate and together.  Counseling would have been paramount.  I do not know if that would have worked for us at that time.  Part of me believes it would not have, given our history and choices my ex has made since the divorce.  I would have at least tried.  In reality, it just did not happen that way.  In reality he made his choices without turning back nor wanting to reconcile.  In my situation I felt God was leading me to this path.  In your situation, you need to pray and do what God is prompting for you.  Reconciliation is not easy.  Divorce is not easy. Either choice will bring an uphill battle and require time for deep healings to be completed.  Trust is difficult to rebuild, but it can be done with God’s help.  The answer to which is right for you is another question.  Which answer is God directing you to choose?  

If you find yourself in a divorce situation I want to prepare you for some things that will occur.  I have a wonderful friend who unfortunately had gone through this and cautioned me on what I am about to tell you.  She was not a Christian when she married, but  she became a Christian before she was divorced. She reminded me that when a wedding happens or a marriage ends, it is not just the legal transaction the papers indicate.  There is a huge spiritual aspect to the joining of two people.  Scripture in Genesis 2:24 tells us that God as he did in the Garden of Eden, will join the man and woman together and the two will become one flesh. This is not just a mere physical aspect, but a spiritual joining. There are wedding vows, solemn promises of faith and fidelity. At a wedding the two are made one with these vows.  The two are to act as one.  Supporting, living, and working together for common goals and purposes.  The vows I took included a warning of sorts—”what God had placed together let no man put asunder”.   Asunder is not a word we use regularly today meaning to separate apart. It is not simply to cut ties (legal contracts), but to place apart from each other.  The one made of the two is pulled in two and placed apart.  My husband and I were put asunder.  We were pulled in two by divorce and placed apart.  I had no husband.  He had no wife.  We no longer lived and worked as one.

The day I signed my divorce papers was beyond difficult.  He had signed them a couple of days earlier—before he boarded a plane headed to another country.  I saw his signatures, while sitting in a conference room by myself after the legal aid gave me the file and instructions,  My heart was so heavy.  I realized I was giving my consent for the union to be put asunder. It was not what I had ever envisioned nor what I ever thought I would do. Even though our past difficulties, I never truly considered this.  I had been committed, yet I found myself sitting at a conference table with the documents containing our names and his signatures.  With tears I worked hard to swallow, I picked up the blue ink pen, signed my name, and officially relinquished my commitment.  It was the needed action at the time.  It was devastating. I called my friend who did all she could to support me.

There was another difficult day about a month later.  The day the judge signed the forms  we had already signed and I received them.  Opening that email and seeing all of the signatures was a complete punch to the solar plexus. I literally bent over as if struck. The tears flowed yet again.  We were now officially put asunder. My other half, although physically removed for many weeks, was now spiritually removed.  I was not completely prepared for that. I was prepared for an emotional reaction, but was not prepared for the spiritual.  I felt literally torn. I was bereft again.  I emailed him copies with the single line, “I did not believe my heart could be broken any more than it was.  I was wrong.”  That was truly how I was feeling.  He did not answer.  I had a new understanding of King David in Psalms singing that tears were his food night and day (Psalm 42:3).  

That time was a very difficult part of the journey for me.  There were no quick resolutions nor easy fixes for my pain and grief.  I learned grief is a process journey.  One I am still on today over 2 years later.  Working through that process and I realized several more truths about God and my marriage.  I believe God was with us and shared in our love and joy at the wedding.  I do believe He put us together and was pleased with our commitment.  He also shared in the heartbreak and grief of the events that let to and the completion of our divorce.  Yes, I think He fully knew of the choices that would be made. He is omniscient and knew where we would end.  God gave us the ability to make choices—good and bad.  It is part of our free will. We make the choices and reap the consequences and rewards of those choices accordingly.  He knew on the wedding day that we would be put asunder.  He also knew we would have the love, laughter, beautiful daughter, good works together, and all the other good things that resulted of our marriage.  I have needed to work on my responses to all that has occurred. I have had to deal with my anger, shame, hurt, betrayal, depression, and other wide assortment of response. I have tried to keep my choices in accordance to what God would have. Ultimately, the rewards we reap are those provided when we choose follow Him. It has not been natural, easy, nor always pleasant. At times I wanted to rage, I had to choose to give. At times I wanted to lash out, I had to choose to let go. It is easier now than it was 18 months ago. It is easier now than it was a year ago. It will be easier 6 months from now. I am still on the journey. I have faith that He does know my future.  I have faith that He holds my future whatever it may contain.  I have faith that He will guide me though that future with rewards as I ask Him to guide my choices.  Time will reveal where He has led me in another 26 years. I am confident He will be with me each step of the way.