Month: January 2020

Working in the medical field I have worked with more wounds than I can count.  Surgical wounds and accidental lacerations,  sewn, stapled, and glued up in nice tight lines that heal well and leave linear scarring.  I have seen pressure wounds so deep it is amazing that they ever heal. The ones I encountered that are the worst are the burns.  The larger and deeper the burn the worse it is to manage and heal.  They are the ones that completely remove just enough tissue to leave all of the nerve endings exposed and damaged.  Raw.  The word even sounds like a growl of pain.  That pain is excruciating.   Pain meds are nearly useless for those types of extensive injuries.  With the wound comes new potential problems. Protection and normal defenses  are gone with the lost skin.  The wound is prime for entry of any infective microbe.  Infections complicate and delay the healing process. Some infections and their outcomes are far worse than others. The wounds need antibacterial barriers  and cover dressings placed  to restore protection and promote healing.   They require dressing change, after painful dressing change to continue infection prevent.  Each dressing change exposes the raw wound to the elements causing more pain.  Yes,  these are the most painful wounds I have encountered.   

Raw—That is what I was after discovering my ex-husbands duplicitous life style. Everything that I believed in and about him and even us was suddenly stripped off.   My life as I thought it existed melted away.   My heart was left raw with every nerve pulsing in pain.  I literally felt flayed.   

There is a tiny window in a severe wound case where the nerve damage is so great the brain and nerves become for a lack of a better term confused and decides to shut down the acknowledgement of the pain.  Add to that some hefty doses of adrenaline and the excruciating pain does not register for just a very short period of time.   A sort of numbness allows the body to continue to function in a flight or fight response. 

I was severely injured and  hit that gracious numb window of time.  It was during that brief interval I knew I had to protect myself kicking in my fight/flight responses.  I discovered  there was only  $100 in each checking and savings account.  I called in at work and my supervisor was very sympathetic and gave me time off.  I went through bank statements trying to make sense of the finances and actually visited the banks.  The checking account was such a mess I didn’t want to touch it. I found myself in a pawn shop selling a couple of jewelry pieces for gas and grocery money to get through the week.  (Ironically, even here I discovered some of what I thought was “real” from my husband was imitation.)  I was able to go open a bank account in my name only with the $50 minimum requirement. I moved all of his things out of the ensuite master bedroom and into the guest bedroom/bath.  (Yes, he refused to leave the house for two weeks after the affair discovery. )  Then the gracious deep numb period was over.  I was left back in my emotional state wracked with pain.  I needed the bandages and medicine.  

I do not know what I would have done without the love and support of my friends and family. There were constant calls and text messages to provide love and support.  I spent a lot of time with my daughter, sister, niece and friends.  All were balms and soothing salves for my raw heart.   At the same time I was dealing with more anger than I ever felt in my life.  This was new as I am not typically an angry person. I was angry at my ex husband for ALL  he had done.  The cheating, the lying, the financial irresponsibility, the hurting of our daughter……the list went on as I discovered additional duplicity.  I wanted nothing more than to strike out and hurt him the way he had hurt me. I wanted to rail against him and emotionally cut him as he had cut me.   Living in the same house and having so much of the finance and  business of marriage in existence, we did have to interact.  I took my verbal pound of flesh as often as I could.  He deserved every bit of it did he not?  I planned on making the divorce as painful for him as possible. 

God really began to deal  with me at that time.  He kept telling me not to fight. The scripture kept coming to my mind out of Paul’s teaching.  1Corinthians 5:4-5   “…in the name of the Lord Jesus you must call a meeting of the church.  I will be present with you in the spirit and so will the power of our Lord Jesus.  Then you must throw this man out and hand him over to Satan, so that his sinful nature will be destroyed and he himself will be saved on the day the Lord returns.”   (NLT) Pauls was writing to a church facing and permitting a situation where a member was behaving beyond immorally. Paul instructed the church to let that person go.  It was not to be done in anger, but in “the power of our Lord Jesus” so that ultimately the person’s soul could be redeemed.   I fully believe the Lord was letting me know that I needed to let my husband go.  I was to do what Paul instructed the people of Corinth to do.  I was let my husband go to his sin and let God manage him, not me.  I would not be able to save my husband from his activities as I had tried to before.  This time God was going to have to do a greater work that was not going to directly involve me.  My marriage was truly over.  Divorce was going to happen.  I was to let my husband go. I was not supposed to fight him.  I was supposed to let him go.  Whew…. that was so not what I wanted to hear and nothing near what I wanted to do.   I was fine with the “throw him out” part, but the no fighting and letting God work parts were not on my to do list. 

This was another pivotal moment in my life.  God was asking me to trust Him yet again.  Trust Him with my anger. Trust Him with my pain. Trust him to deal with my soon to be ex husband.  That is a lot of trust.  That was not as easy as I want to say it was.  I had already told God I would given my husband up for Him. (See “Final Answer”) I never imagined this situation. Once again I had to reach way down in my core where I know who is God and who is not.  I had to decide who I was going to follow;  My hurt and anger joined by the bitterness that would infect me or the God who had loved and led me since childhood?  Which would it be? I had seen too many bitter people in my life to want the bitterness take hold.  I had seen God do so much in my life, but could I  really trust Him with and for this?   Looking over past moves of God in my life, I knew who would always have my best even when it appeared in complete opposition of what I wanted.  I knew who I trusted even with this situation.  It still was not easy.  It still hurt. It was what was right.  When I agreed to what God asked I had a sudden surge of peace.  That “peace that passes all understanding” is real.  I also came to realize if I wanted my husband to  live in God’s salvation I was going to have to let him go.  I had to face the fact that beneath all the anger and hurt,  I still had a love for him.  I did want him to live in salvation even without me.  

As soon as I told God I would let my husband go, thoughts starting surging  and formulated a  divorce settlement in my head.  I sat down and wrote out everything. I contacted my ex husband and scheduled to meet to discuss the divorce process.  A couple of days prior, I had met with an attorney and started the process of separation, but not the settlement.  I was amazed when my husband  came to meet me and agreed to absolutely everything in the settlement agreement I proposed.  I was fair. I did not try to take him for anything. Given the financial mess that existed, there was not a great deal to divide. He announced that he had made arrangements that day to move out by the weekend and give me some peace in the house.  God was already working.  I contacted my attorney and continued the proceedings for the divorce.  It was all so agreeable my husband did not hire a separate attorney.   There was no fighting.  It was not magical.  It was not easy.  I was still raw. I just was not infected by bitterness.  My wounds had bandages made of trusting God and love as protection against that bitterness infection.  God had provided peace to get me through.   That does not mean I did not still want to lash out in my pain and occasionally gave in to that.  I  am not Super Christian who does not given into my desires at times.  I certainly do not travel with angel choruses or a glowing halo.  The peace allowed me to make it through the sales and business of divorce. It allowed me to sleep at night. It allowed me to hold my hurtful words back way more than they slipped out.

My pain was not instantly relieved nor was I miraculously healed emotionally.   It would have been great if I had, but God is sovereign here. Once again I trust he is working it to my benefit. I do believe my obedience to just letting go did keep my pain from being worse.  If I had fought and bitterness set in, I would have experienced so much more pain.  So much more damage would have been done to me, my daughter,  and even my ex-husband.  The healing would have been delayed. The obedience was the first dressing change.  The most difficult and painful dressing change. There would be more dressing changes.  There would be more tears. There would be more pain as there is any any healing process.   This was also the beginnings of healing taking root just a matter of weeks after the devastation.  Healing that would eventually be completed in God’s perfect time.  

Routine day.  Nothing special.  Just trying to get home from another grocery store trip.  Cool early spring day with few buds poking through and the grass hinting at green again.  Singing with the CD as I enter my subdivision: 

“So take it away

My life!

My pride!

My heart!

It’s all yours now

Take it away

My fame!

My feet!

My family, my career

Take it away

Take it away

It’s all yours now

So take it away

Take it away

It’s you I wanna live for”

Source: LyricFind

Songwriters: Brandon Heath / Chris Stevens / Toby Mckeehan

Steal My Show lyrics © Essential Music Publishing, Capitol Christian Music Group

I had heard this song and sang along so many times.  This time the lyrics hit me hard.  Am I willing to give up all those things for God?  Whoa…That is really strong stuff…hard core…serious.  Could I give up all of those things if asked?  I like to think so,……but….. but…  Then I hear the question. The voice I know above all others speaking.  My Shepherd.   “Would you give up [your husband]?”   Wow, you were in on this thought session God?  I was sure it was just me and Toby wrestling with that thought.  I knew the question was real.  I knew I had to answer.  I had to reach way deep down.  Down to where roots grow.  Down to where I am basic.  Down to where I know Who is God and who isn’t.  I said “Yes, God if you asked me to I would give up [my husband].  I would not want to.  I hope you don’t ever ask that, but for you God, Yes I would”.   No thunder claps.  No lightening strikes.  No chorus of angels.  Yet this was a moment of monumental proportions in my life.  I arrived at home and started unloading groceries.  Back to the mundane of daily life. 

Looking back I am awed and humbled that God asked me. He asked me if I would given up the man I had loved for nearly 30 years.  God did not take the question nor my answer lightly either.  I thought of the conversation again in the next couple of weeks.  I admit to fearing something bad would happen to my husband.  Cancer, car wreck, crazy work accident—you know the thoughts.  I shoved them all out and convinced myself it was a test of my faith—yeah you know an Abraham moment without the hike and alter building.  The faith test was yet to come.  It happened two months later.  

A bit of back ground first….My husband and I had fallen into a coexistence.  Neither of us was making much effort to connect with the other.  It was as if we were roommates that slept back to back each night.  I knew we were in a bad relationship place, but just couldn’t seem to move;  to try to fix it as I had when we hit difficult patches before.  We had been hit with multiple tragedies and changes in a three year period ranging from the deaths of a sibling and father to becoming empty nesters, and  placing my mother in a nursing home after prolonged illness and recurrent hospitalizations.  We were both emotionally wounded and depleted.  Instead of coming together as we had in the past difficult times, we seemed to have drifted apart.  I didn’t understand why.  I knew I was tired.  In the past, I was always the strong one that held it together.  The one that prayed for God to lead and work us through the tough time.  The one that confronted problems and tried to find solutions. I was so emotionally exhausted this time.  I was barely hanging on myself and had no to strength to hold up another.   I did not believe my husband was attempting to fix us.  I was sure he was drifting along until I made the move.    I thought he was in the same emotional and depressed situation as I.  Unfortunately, I had no inkling as to how he was trying to fix the problem for himself.  I found out on Mother’s Day 2017.   

As our usual pattern on this holiday, we took my mother to her church from the nursing home.  My sister, her daughter, my husband, our daughter, Mother, and I filled a pew.  My husband was in a terrible mood.  He had been for weeks and it was worse with anything that had to do with me.  He obviously did not want to be with us that morning.  Looking back, I am not sure exactly why he went.  He didn’t even try to hide his mood from my sister and niece as he usually would.  We went to lunch and had the usual extraordinary wait for a table on the day no mother should have to cook.  It was late in the afternoon when we finished and my husband’s mood had deteriorated.  My daughter said she needed to run to the mall to pick up something to complete my gift and my husband was quick to choose to ride with her.  Mother wanted to return to the nursing home for her nap.  My sister, niece, and I took mother back, tucked her in, said our good byes, and I headed for home.  

I was the first to arrive and a bit later my husband walked in without our daughter. I could hear in his voice something was wrong—He was utterly dejected.  I inquired about where our daughter was and he said she “needed to go for a drive”.  He spoke to me from the kitchen, and was hesitant to come to where I was in the living room.  I kept asking what was wrong, and he finally came in to the living room.  He sat on the edge of his usual recliner.  He said “I need to tell you something and I don’t know how”.  I replied “It is usually best to just say it”.  He said the last thing I ever expected to hear “I want out.”  I couldn’t comprehend “You want out?”  He said “Yes, I can’t live like this anymore.”  Shock doesn’t begin to describe my response.  I knew our situation was bad and began to apologize for it being such.  I asked if he wanted to work on us as we had needed to in the past.  He said he didn’t want to.  When asked he admitted to having met someone online and wanted to be with her.  I found out later that he had made a huge mistake while texting the other woman and our daughter at the same time.  He had sent a text intended for the other woman to our daughter.  The text was quite obviously not intended for our daughter.  He then begged our daughter to not tell me.  She told him either he could tell me or she would.  He came into the house upset that he was discovered.    

Over the next few days I found, from his old abandoned computer, that my husband had been planning to just walk away.  He had purchased his plane ticket a month earlier and was making some prep to leave to go be with the other woman who lived across continents from us.  Wow, was this what God had been preparing me to receive?  God knew of the online affairs (yes, more than one I discovered) that had been going for over a year.  I am guessing some definite spiritual line had been crossed in March when God asked me if I would give my husband up.  There was no other way to save my husband and ultimately me without this severance.  Over two years later, I am able to see this.  At the time I only knew my world as I knew it had fallen apart.  

Although it hurt incredibly, I know now that the finding out like I did was God moving to protect me.  Had my husband completed his stealthy exit plans, I would have had no idea he was leaving nor where he was going.  I had a few weeks to discover the full truth and prepare before he left.  I would have been left with a terrible financial mess that I had no clue existed.  I would have had to try to complete a divorce across two countries which would have been complicated and taken a much longer amount of time.  We agreed upon a settlement and he was able to sign all he needed to prior to leaving.  I was able to liquidate some assets that gave me some financial breathing room.  

Was any of this easy?  A resounding NO!  It hurt beyond any emotional pain I have experienced to this date.  Was God there?  A resounding YES!  He was there through it all.  God asked me if I would given [my husband] up to and for Him.  When I said I would, for Him alone, I fully believe God honored my commitment to Him.  I do not have all the answers though over two years have passed, but I do believe God is at work and will continue to work. I have complete faith in Deut 31:6 that God will “never leave you nor forsake you.” and Matt 28:20 “I am with you always, to the end of the age.”  I believe Isaiah 43:2 “When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers they will not sweep over you.  When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.”  The waters and the fire did not disappear because I believe in and am committed to God.  The waters did not sweep me away and the fire did not set me ablaze because God was with me.  I didn’t always see Him at the time.  Looking back I can. Hindsight is usually 20/20 …..even for seeing God.  I can see His preparing me by asking me a question.  I can see His providing for me financially.  I can see Him comforting me.  I can see him giving me strength to complete the tasks I needed.  I see him giving me wisdom for writing a fair divorce settlement.  I see Him working to make my now ex-husband agree to the settlement without a blink of an eye.  I see Him in the hugs, love, and support of my friends and family that gathered around me.  I see Him working with my ex husband to bring a prodigal son to a right relationship with Himself. I see Him so many places.   

The question now is, knowing all of this would happen, would I, could I answer the question God asked the same way I did over two years ago?   Yes, I would. Final Answer.  

“The kingdom of heaven is like a farmer who planted good seed in his field.  But that night as the workers slept, his enemy came and planted weeds among the wheat, then slipped away.  When the crop began to grow and produce grain the weeds also grew.  The farmer’s workers went to him and said ‘Sir the field where you planted that good seed is is full of weeds! Where did they come from?” Matthew 13:24-27   NLT

“Run from sexual sin!……..” 1 Corinthians 6: 18 NLT

This post is lengthy, but necessary for you to understand some of my experience.  So, how does a 26 year marriage dissolve in to a divorce?  Slowly.  None of this happened overnight.  Mistakes were made on both sides, but at the core was the choice to  invest in some one or something else while divesting us.   A house divided nor relationship divested can stand.  

It was summer 2014.  We had just returned from a vacation to the Gulf of Mexico.  We had taken our daughter and her lifelong partner in crime—my grand nephew— on probably the last trip we would be taking as a quad.  It was the summer between the kids’ junior and senior years of high school.  College and jobs loomed ahead on the horizon.  During our time away, my brother in law was hospitalized having required spinal surgery.  He did not do well with anesthesia and required my sister to be with him 24/7.  I arrived at the hospital finding my sister looking like she needed to be in the hospital bed beside her husband.  I had never seen her look so run down and worn out.  I  took her spot as caregiver/guard and sent her to my mother’s where she slept for nearly 14 hours straight.  It was the first inkling of how very ill my sister was.  Within a dozen weeks we had a diagnosis we had never heard in our family—pancreatic cancer.   Working in the medical field I knew that was one of the cancers with limited treatment success due to the advanced stages it reaches before producing symptoms.  I hoped, I prayed fervently this was not the case for my dear sister.   I will discuss what occurred with her in more depth later.  Suffice it to say she was very ill and needed a great deal of help.  My brother in law was not able to provide as much help needed due to his own medical situation.  

What is important to this discussion is that I was with my sister a great deal during the next nine months.  I worked, I followed my daughter in her marching band competitions and school events, and I took care of my sister.  I was home to sleep, do laundry, cook via crock pot,  and say hello and goodbye to my husband.  It was a survival mode of existence.  He was supportive and understanding of my need/desire to help my sister.  He encouraged me to what was necessary.  He initially did some household chores and even my daughter kicked in more.  As I think now, he visited my sister about four times in that 9 month period.  He never came with me for my weekend shift.  He and I  would  reconnect when I was home, but were often traveling with our daughter’s competitions.  We talked and texted multiple times a day.   Looking back now most of that was what was communicated was updates on my sister.  Discussions of what needed to be done at home and reviewing our daughter’s schedule were at the top of the list.  Scheduling time together was not part of the plans made.  There was little significant us time.  I was stressed and in a crisis of faith due to the events surrounding my sister’s illness.  I was not home most Sundays, so I was not attending church. He did not attend if I was not home.  If I was home I was exhausted.  All of this plus some self esteem issues my husband was having over his job, produces a perfect fertile ground for a spiritual dandelion.  Little did I know that my husband had let an old habit, I thought long banished, to come back into his life.  He had began to visit internet porn sites quite regularly.   We had been here before at least four other times in our relationship and marriage.  The first few times he confessed and asked forgiveness before I knew what he was doing.  The fourth time, he was caught via my resetting the internet history on the family PC.   Each time we had worked together and with counseling to repair the damage, secured our marriage. This time I had no idea, had never considered it as a possibility again.  

I truly believe pornography is a spiritual dandelion.  Porn initially appears harmless.  A bit of fluff like the dandelion seeds swirling in the wind.  It hurts no one and with the internet in our homes it can slip in unseen.  The weed seed seeks fertile ground to sprout and grow.  Before the user can begin to understand, it will run a root so deep it is nearly impossible to remove.  The brain chemistry changes of an addiction set in.  Have you ever tried to dig up a mature dandelion?  Those things have a root that grows so deep it nearly impossible to dig the entire thing out.  If you do not dig deep and work the soil around the plant, the root will break off giving up the visible parts, but leaving a partial root unexposed a few inches down in the soil.  That root will immediately begin to grow until it peeks it’s head back though the soil to bring another fully grown plant into fruition.  More fluff is produced and begins plantings of other weeds.   As marriage partners we each need to guard our garden.  The workers slept and the enemy came to spread the seed.     We need to guard against the weed seeds.  Filters to screen out porn type sites need to be applied to all internet capable screens.  Not out of the lack of trust, but to keep accountability to one another.   Internet access needs to be in the open where others are around and can see what the person is watching or doing.  Books, magazines, and other reading materials need to be free of sexual content.  The unrealistic and sexualized romance novel is porn in the female mind. TV and cable shows need to be scrubbed by filtering programs or turned off.   We do not need to let those scenes into our homes–even if the kids are asleep. We must guard against those dandelion seeds for our spouses and children.  Sexual sin is the only sin the scriptures tell us to run from. It tells us to stay away from others, but no running involved. This is one with such deep running roots we are to flee it before it has any opportunity for the seed to even settle. We must guard against it. We must be accountable to our partners to stay away from it completely. It is not old fashioned. It is not “religious”. It is life and death in a marriage and family.

My husband had began to seek a way to meet his emotional needs too.  Porn can feed a physical desire, but leaves the user empty with the lack of genuine emotional connection.  I was not always at home to talk, so instead of calling me, he chose to start chats with those he met on line.  He had not kept any close male friends since college. When his college friends married he cut the ties to those relationships claiming the marriage changed the friend. He used his computer to make new friends. I found this on his old computer cookie list. He left it behind and it provided a timeline record of all of his internet activities.  All the contacts were women and all interactions were quite innocent at first.  Questions regarding antiques, crystal  glasses, and such on sales websites he ordered from, became frequent emails and sharing personal information. The bloomed into assisting a new friend with listening during a difficult time in her life.  It became an intimate  friendship where he too shared difficulties with his wife.  Another similar site produced another female friendship.   This were not casual interactions. He shared the hopes and dreams with them that he had once shared with me.   He talked to them more about his day than he shared with me.  They shared inside jokes and the problems they were facing.   These relationships crossed a line. These were emotional affairs.  He was having his emotional needs met by these women instead of his wife.  He was investing in these relationships exceedingly more than he was investing in us.  Reading some of the unprotected emails, I actually had pity on the one woman and more anger at my husband, as it was clear she was in love with him. I pitied her because she had no idea of the life he was actually leading. I had more anger at him for hurting yet another woman.

These affairs were supplemented with a growing assortment of porn to meet increasing physical desires.  Remember the addiction brain chemistry changes I mentioned? They are very real with porn use. Science has seen very similar reactions much like with drugs, with porn users. The porn use, like drugs require more and more to achieve the desired effects. He continued these practices for over 18 months without my knowledge.   Nearly the entire time I was caring for my sister and for the year that followed.   He fell further into the downward spiral with  visiting actual dating sites.  He had profiles looking for partners.   He had social media accounts under alias names. He  joined dating sites for European countries and even looked into a mail order bride from the pacific islands (yes, that does exist). He continued looking until he finally met someone across the ocean.  Someone that did not care that he was married.  Someone that seemed more exciting and fresh than the depressed wife he had.  Someone he could run away with and leave all the old behind.  That is what he began planning to do.  

I suffered a great depression after my sister’s illness and was at a crisis in my faith with the anger I had over her suffering.  Shortly after this my burden was increased due to my mother suffering a fractured hip and the multitude of complications that followed.  She was hospitalized or in rehab for months and we nearly lost her twice. I was the caregiver again with less help than I had with my sister’s care.  I was barely functioning in any other capacity.  Meanwhile my husband was at home on his computer. Despite seeing the depths of my depression–the days I could barely get out of bed…..the days I binge watched TV in pajamas because I could not muster the drive to dress or face the world–he chose to not attempt to help his wife of 26 years. He chose to continue as he had been doing.  It was easier to invest in the new rather than to try reinvesting in our relationship and helping me.  It a nutshell: He took the easy way out.  

It takes two people to marry and two people to divorce.  I have heard people say each person in the marriage must give 50%.  I am here to say each person must be prepared to give 110% every day.  Marriage is work.  Marriage is a partnership.  If one partner is not able to give the other must pick up the slack.  I was not able to give and unfortunately for a prolonged time.  Most of that was due to my anger with God, a self imposed estrangement from Him,  and the ensuing depression.  My husband was willing to give some, but not the 110%.  I knew my husband had previously let porn and even a couple of emotional affairs occur a few years ago, when I was not around as much during a second undergrad degree and then grad school.   I honestly thought we were passed all of that given our  previous counseling, maturity,  and length of time we had been married. I thought we had invested so much in one another we were solid.   I knew I was depressed, but did not fully see what was occurring around me.  I sought some medical treatment, but not seriously nor steadily.  I started some grief therapy, but did not find a counselor that clicked with me.  I stopped going once Mother was ill and did not return.  I didn’t seek God as I so desperately needed to.  I chose poorly and tried to bury my feelings and frustrations.   I was emotionally exhausted and spiritually depleted.  I did nothing to attempt to take care of nor restore my own emotional and spiritual health.   I recall one time my husband suggested I go back to counseling.  I told him I didn’t know where to go.  That was the end of the conversation.

Looking back well over 2 years after the divorce, I realize changing any of this would not have changed the trajectory the marriage was traveling.  I may have been in a better place mentally had I gone to therapy, but it would not have stopped my husband from what he chose.  It was not my depression that ended my marriage.  It was my husband’s choices that ended the marriage.  My diverted attention and later depression may have made of his initial choices easier to make, but he made the choices. He chose to abandon the garden. It was that choice which let the dandelion take root, multiply, and take over the garden.  We fell asleep and the dandelions grew. The dandelions completely choked out the good seed we had planted, watered, and guarded.

“Friend is always loyal, and a brother is born to help in time of need.” Proverbs 17:17 NLT

“The heartfelt counsel of a friend is as sweet as perfume and incense” Proverbs 27:9 NLT

Support is crucial in getting through a loss and the grief following loss.  We cannot successfully do it alone.  We are not made to do it alone.  Pain, injury, mistrust, doubt, and depression seek to close us off.   The pain and depression want to isolate us during the time we need those that love us the most.  It wants to keep us from reaching out.  Sometimes just  it just shuts us down and everyone else out.  It traps us with emotions and feelings we are not able to carry alone.  Sometimes it uses the guise of shame.  Others times a mask of pride will keep us from reaching out.  It can become a well of water that closes over us making us sure we will drown in that dark hole.  I urge you to reach out.  In spite of the pain reach out.  Pull your hand up out of the water and signal for help.  Send that SOS out to those you love.   Reach out to those trusted friends and friends to help you keep your head above the water by sharing the load.  Reach out to your family,  close friends,  your pastor or other church leaders.  These are life lines we cannot ignore. Life lines we need to grasp.  Life lines God will send.  

I am immensely blessed with a sister and a friend that were my mainstays during this dark time.  They were the foundation that supported me.  After my husband of 26 years walked out of the house having informed me he “wanted out”,  I walked around like a zombie from room to room.   Nothing was the same as it had been just a short 30 minutes prior.  My heart had been torn out, yet I was still breathing. It was a nightmare, I surely would awaken from in a moment.   I was in shock.  I did not know what to do. I called Debby.  I got out 4 words “He’s having an affair”.  Unsure of where he had gone nor if/when he would return I wouldn’t let her come over.  She provided words of comfort and solace I needed.  She was devastated for me.  See, Debby had lived through this same world crumbling events herself.  She had been in my place only with two small children clinging to her.  She knew my pain like no other could.  She was and still is an priceless source of support and encouragement.  Her sweet husband and she would be there in the drop of a hat to help.  I think I drove their truck more that year hauling away old memories and bringing in the new than her husband did for for a couple of years.   Debby  tells me when I am being ridiculous—only sometime later not at the beginning.  She will also listen while I tell her about and cry over the little things I find cleaning out the house.  She encourages me to take the steps I need to and jumps in with tons of help to get the tasks completed. She will even push me when I am slow to do what needs be done.   She prays with and for me. She will laugh at the crazy revenge wishes that pop into my head (“I hope ‘she’ is some hairy sweaty guy in a basement.” and  other such mature thoughts).  She squelches her own desires to seek revenge for me as only a friend can.   As I said she is completely priceless.  

I also have a sister that has been like a second mother at nearly 12 yrs my senior. Our mother came from a very different perspective and time period.  She just could not give up the hope that my ex-husband and I would reconcile.   My sister, Reba was my rock. She was my second phone call as she was not available first. After I gave her the 4 words all she could repeat was “What?”   Once what I was saying sank in she too wanted to fly to my side.  I held her off for the same reasons I would not let Debby come.  Reba, too had suffered my situation and more than once.  For her own reasons she chose to stay in her marriage.  That is her story to tell and maybe one day she will.  She understood that pain of betrayal.  As a sister , she  wanted nothing more that to take that pain away.  She was my balm and comfort.  She held me while I cried.   Listened as I talked regardless of the hour.  She stepped in with Mother when I couldn’t do any more.  She painted, cleaned, packed and unpacked more than one house. She made made me laugh through the tears as only sisters can.  She prayed and she prays for me. She hurt right along with me.  She grieved my loss and her own loss of a brother she loved.    She is another completely priceless jewel in my treasures.  

There is also my niece, my daughter, and other friends that are such a help.  My daughter was a unique relationship and I will discuss it more later. From providing physical labor in packing and moving, to a hug when I broke down at work, to a phone call at just the right time, each, is a a jewel in his/her own way.  Such blessings I give thanks for.  I also found a small church that knows how to love.  It is so good to be back in a church family that will pray with and for you.  Those help you plug back into service of others.  Those help you feel normal again–Such a wonderful blessing.  

After the initial shock began to wear away and ink dried on the papers we signed, I began to search for a professional counselor.  Yes, I had an amazing safety net in the friends and family that supported me, but I needed more.  I was battling depression and anxiety like never before rising from sources of rejection,  betrayal, anger, grief, and emotional exhaustion.  Yes, I went to my medical doctor and was prescribed medications and required dose adjustments.  I believe God uses medications also.  In addition, I  needed a counselor.  Someone profession, unbiased, and with the ability to teach me skills and techniques to deal with the emotional upheaveal of my life.  Having worked in the medical field I wanted a psychologist.  Counselors come in a variety of levels, qualifications,  and certifications.  I have worked with amazing social workers that make great counselors.  I have seen pastoral counselors that are gifted above all others.  Seek one that fits you—your personality, spiritual beliefs,  and needs.  This is not to say I sought the counselor over healing from God.  I fully believe God uses the counselor to assist in bringing that healing.  I often will say “Okay God what are we going to deal with today?” as I travel to the appointment.  Sometimes I know.  Other times God surprises me during the visit.  My counselor is a Godly man who prays with me at the end of each session.  I really did not want a male counselor.  God knew better and kept bringing this counselor to my attention during my search.  As usual God was right.  This counselor has been another jewel in my recovery chest.  

I am so saddened that our society has placed such a stigma on needing help dealing with our mental and emotional difficulties.  This is despite that same society having the greatest number of mental health symptoms and diagnoses than any generation before.  We are all hurting.  We are all dealing with trials, struggles, pain, and grief.  If you have a constant pain you arm and the arm begins to lose function, I believe you would see a medical professional for treatment.  No one would think you weak for seeking treatment and preventing the physical problem from becoming worse.  The same practices should be true for our emotional health. Seek treatment. Seek healing.   Seek wholeness.